In Typical Liz Fashion

So its been about a month since I've last updated. I was excited that I ovulated on cd 27 last cycle. Well that day has come and gone for this cycle, Day 34 (which I thought was my late late possible day) has come and gone. It's day 44. With possible O on cd 42. Positive OPK on cd 40 and 41. Of course this happened to me. At what point do I say that I am just not meant to be? One cycle where I O possibly the earliest in my life and the next cycle the latest. It could just be a fluke cycle due to my vacation the week before O was suppose to happen, delaying ovulation. But we also thought that maybe my thin lining was a fluke. Turns out that was a pattern. An expensive pattern for my former IPs. I just want to be a surrogate, but maybe it really is not in the cards for me. It sure seems like everything goes wonky during potential surro cycles, seemingly just to prevent them from success. So either it is not the right time yet, that these things are a delay, to wait for whatever is meant to be, or this is simply not meant to be and not going to happen. Its a reality I need to face. I really am tired of all the "other" things associated with surrogacy. The screenings, the paperwork, the contracts. Its very exhausting to me. Only time will tell, but at least its really only one more cycle that I need to track in order to figure it out. I have looked into two herbs that might be more helpful than the ones I was taking. These are specific to ovulation. If it works, I will write about what I took. But I'm not going to start anything until the witch arrives; which hopefully is in 12 days. I guess the thing I am most worried about is that I want to be pregnant so bad. Not really have any more babies, I think a 3rd would be tough. We are so busy as it is, so full. But what if this overwhelming desire does not fade?! I will have to do something to make this no longer a possibility. Maybe then I will be able to slowly stop thinking about it. If only things were different....if my body was different. If it would behave. I need to gain weight. I tried, but still lost weight. Protein shakes give me tummy and intestine problems. Perhaps just vitamins? It doesn't seem to matter if I eat well or eat junk. I just feel betrayed by my own body, something I should have control over. If ovulation is not regular I will cut my hair for my birthday in June and give up on the grow-it-until-I-have-a-surrogate-delivery plan. Boo. I feel emotional. Thats all for now.