A Good Dream

So last night I dreamed that I was at my ultrasound appointment next week, and the tech, very excitedly, told me my lining was 10 mm! We were both so happy! :) Fingers crossed this dream comes true :) 

I feel like my estrogen must be doing something. While my uterus does not really feel as full like it did on Monday, I seem a bit bloated and I think I have a small cold sore on my lip, which happened early in my pregnancy with Brooke and after delivery (when my hormones were going up and down) only 5 more days until we find out. So I don't really have much to say. We are going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow with some friends and our girls. That's it! 

Review of past cycles

So out of curiosity I went back to check dates of my two cancelled cycles. 11/4/11 start estrace 2 mg 2x a day. 11/11/11 2 mg  3x a day. 11/21/11 cycle cancelled with a lining of 4.3. On 12/2/11 start estrace 2mg x2 a day. 12/16/11 cycle cancelled with a lining of 4.5.

So the first cycle I was on 4 mg estrace for 7 days then 6mg for 11 days. Cycle cancelled after only 18 days on estrogen. Cycle two was 4 mg estrace for 15 days before cycle was cancelled.

This time I have been on 12 mg estrace 7 days so far, 7 days more until my lining check. Then another 14 days until the earliest possible transfer. This protocol is much longer. I bet that will do the trick. Maybe my lining is just a slow grower. Maybe it really just takes it some time to reach the nice fluffy 7 mm they want to see. My natural cycles are 48 days long with a 14 day luteal phase, so maybe 29 days on estrogen will be enough to grow my lining. usually I ovulate around day 30-34 so that could work :) I am definitely curious to see what my lining is next thursday. So far away ;)

Estrogen Day 6

I am feeling pretty good. Moody perhaps. It's delicately snowing outside today and the stupid prenatal vitamin gave me fish burps. My uterus is getting a little annoyed and its letting me know that. It feels better with a little heat. Hopefully that is a good sign, hopefully that means that things are happening in there. 3 weeks away from the earliest we would need to be in CT. Probably about 3.5 weeks from transfer! Yesterday I felt pretty yucky. Not sure what that was related to. (I think a little constipation was the culprit) But I still feel a bit dizzy. 8 days until my next ultrasound and bloodwork. I am still afraid of the PIO. I can't decide if I want to ice the area first, or just do it. I am suppose to take those shots in the morning and may not have time to ice anyway. I don't usually allow myself enough time to get ready as it is. Let alone having to add any extra steps. We shall see. Nothing much else to report. Blogger keeps giving me an error....

Begin Estrace and Aspirin, lower Lupron.

So it was confirmed as ok to begin my 6 pills daily of estrace this morning, plus adding baby aspirin and lowering my lupron dose in half. I had side effects from the estrogen when I was only taking 2 pills a day. So this should be fun. Oh, I found this interesting tidbit online yesterday, I will just copy what I posted to SMO:

So, I read something on the internet and I want know what everyone thinks of this ...... I was searching for women who had their E2 come back too high after Lupron. One woman said after x amount of time with her levels still not considered suppressed her RE sent her blood to an outside lab to be tested. well lo and behold her levels were perfectly suppressed. The reason was that she produced a protein in her blood that could pop as E2 with some testing methods. The outside lab's method only detected the actual estrogen and not the protein. My curiosity was peaked because in my last cycles, I was only on 2 estrace pills a day (4mg) and my E2 was coming back over 2500. I am using the same monitoring clinic, so same lab for this cycle. My last RE would not increase my estrace dose because of my levels of E2, even though my lining was only 4.5 mm. -- This cylce however I am on 6 pills a day (12 mg) and my E2 will not be checked again until 10/24. So I just found all that very interesting.

I think maybe I have that! :) But we shall see. Obviously my E2 was not high enough to prevent me from starting the estrace, and it was low enough to seem relatively suppressed, combined with my uterus and ovaries. Chugging along. I promised pictures of my bracelet. So here it is. It's the Zen Dharma Stone bracelet from Joseph Nogucci. I bought it Here .

Its green for fertility, and Zen to keep me calm. I wanted to get both sides in the pictures because opposite the Buddha is a very pretty and sparkly ball :) So for the next 14 days I will Keep Calm and Cycle On :) then they will check my E2 again, which will probably be sky high, but hopefully my lining will be fluffy soft and welcoming to two little embryos. I wonder if I have a green nail polish? I'm sure I do somewhere :)  Here's to staying calm, happy, and positive for 2 weeks. (Then I have 2 weeks until transfer, then another 2 weeks until Beta)

Baseline

Well I heard from my CT clinic, that my E2 is still higher than they like, but the coordinator feels the RE will want to start estrace tomorrow anyway. However, she can not confirm until tomorrow morning. So I am to stay on my current dose of Lupron and not start estrace until I hear from her. The u/s looked good according to the tech, but those results were not commented on during my call with CT. Just one time I want the results from one of these calls to be "yep perfect just what we wanted" well maybe my next call will go that way. How weird my body is. First cycles lining is too suppressed, will not grow. This cycle, ovaries are not as suppressed as we want to see. My E2 seemed to run high in my last cycles, but never had any effect on my uterus??!! GAH, I don't know what it all means!! :) but tonight I take same lupron dose, and I will  bring my estrace and aspirin to work tomorrow to await word of directions.

CD 1 AF - quick note

Well AF (finally, thankfully) arrived today. Normally she is quick to show up after the end of bcp, but she took a couple extra days this time. However I am pleased with her presence and her efforts. Things are going well. Today I have had bad headaches, which sucks. But they are not too too terrible. Manageable I would say. I have a pot roast in the crock pot for dinner, so at least I don't have to cook :) Brooke had her first instance of bed head this morning. I loved it! I should have got a picture! :) She has moved on to the '3' foods now, such a big girl, and trying to say Ba. My mom only wants her to say mama and doesn't seem too interested in other consonants.  Less than two days until my baseline appointment with CCRM. Then I can start the mega dose of estrogen. Based on AF I don't think I am as suppressed as I was last time I cycled and that gives me great hope. I have a special gift to myself coming in the mail today :) I will have to upload a picture of it. I really really really want to have two babies for A and R. I really really really like them so much :) And I really really want to be pregnant and give birth again. Its like getting a tattoo. It kinda sucks and kinda hurts but it's still really fun and makes you want to do it again and again. 

Lupron Does Not Hurt.

Yay!! Lupron doesn't hurt. It's quick and easy with really no hesitation. I stay on BCP until thursday. I have my baseline scheduled for 10/9 at 11 am. Not sure if I mentioned all the BS around the monitoring clinics. I am going through CCRM up until transfer but have to find some where else after that. Another clinic CRA I called also does not do post transfer monitoring. The one place I did find is 45 mins away :( Trying to convince the RE that I can get my u/s done at my obgyn and get my labs done stat at labcorp. I was suppose to hear from them today, but haven't yet.

So I've had three doses of Lupron so far. Today is the first day I feel a little off. Nervous for my baseline, and nervous for my lining check on 10/24. 3 weeks is a long time to think about what ifs.

Here is my shipment :)

Big Box of Meds

I am still wondering what to do when my sharps container gets full. I should read through all my papers again and see if i missed those directions. Otherwise my BFF is in school to be a pharmacist so I bet she knows :) I got a beautiful cross necklace for myself and received it in the mail the day I started the Lupron. It's a sign :) I just need to remind myself to relax, there is no hurry. There is a plan. Whatever is meant to be will be. I try to tell myself that every time I see or touch my small cross necklace.  

You have to see some pictures from the pumpkin festival. Went with some friends and their daughter who is 7 weeks older than Brooke.  

Zoe at 9 years 9.5 months

Zoe and Brooke-7.5 months

Brooke and Koraleigh-9 months

That pumpkin the babies are sitting on wasn't even the winner in the contest. The winner was about 200 lbs bigger than this one!! (I really do not want to work today)

My Med Protocol / Timeline

Well I got my timeline yesterday. I will be getting 9 different meds in the mail today :) I start the Lupron tomorrow. This is the easy shot and I hope it goes that easy. I keep telling myself its not a big deal to take either shot (PIO as well) but I have a feeling that I will get very nervous. Maybe since I should be getting the smaller 1 inch needle for the PIO it won't look so bad??? Maybe??? I didn't even ask about the size gauge of the thing.... well anyway. Tomorrow I start Lupron and continue birth control and pre natal vitamin. Next Wednesday 10/3 is my last birth control pill. On 10/9 I am to have my first blood work and ultrasound appointment. The day after that, assuming all results are fine, I decrease Lupron and start 6 2mg Estrace tablets. The most I took last time was 3 tabs a day. And my E2 levels were 2659 at the end of that cycle. My lining was only a sad 4.3 at that time. The second cycle I was only on 2 tabs and my E2 was 2243 but my lining was 4.4. I thought I had at least made it to a 5 but I guess I didn't. NEFI was happy with my estrogen results, but a simple google tells me that those figures could be double and still well accepted. I really really hope that jump starting my "cycle" with this mega dose of estrace will be just the ticket to a fluffy lining. Anyway, I will also start low dose aspirin the same day as estrace. Continue this dose until ultrasound and bloodwork on 10/24.  That is going to be a tough two weeks, not knowing what is going on with my lining :) Then CT fertility will contact me on when to stop the lupron and start the PIO. The day after that I add prometrium, and Prednisone and Doxycycline. These last two are only for 5 days. Then another 2 weeks of waiting for a blood pregnancy test. But I know I will take a test before that :) HPT here I come :) Josh feels like this new protocol will take me all the way to transfer. I hope so too.

So I started a workout video last night, Jillian Michaels 6 week 6 pack. Hopefully I will have lots of muscles by the time I get pregnant and that will hopefully help to carry twins, or even one baby really :) It is so hard to think about work, now that this is going on. AHHH!!! Excited :)

ThunderCats Are Go!

While I am not old enough to remember the cartoon, I did see the movie Juno :) So.... ThunderCats Are Go! 

We have passed all screening. We are set for donor egg retrieval week of November 4th! I should receive my timeline, hopefully tomorrow, but at least this week. The clinic coordinator said to expect to start meds this Saturday. Not a lot of time to talk myself into all these shots, but maybe it is just best if I do NOT think about it :) So FLIPPING EXCITED :) 

I have to tell work, when nosy coworker is not around. She is bugging me too much lately. So she can be the last to know! Well this was not the font color/background I intended, it shall stay for today. Ok. Think..... Is there anything I need to do? I wanted to get into a bit better shape before I get pregnant again. I have lost all the baby weight as of..... a month or two ago. But I still want some muscles. I need to have them preggie pops/drops for the morning/all day sickness. Try more/different/any motion sickness bands. 6 weeks until transfer. I really feel like this time will be different than my unsuccessfull attempts before.  I was just reading a slight horror story on SMO about IPs shutting the GS out with months left to go in the pregnancy, and all the things she is having to deal with. But I can not let myself think that would happen to me. I guess I should try to be aware that these things can and do happen, but I will not let that color my experience. So I am feeling very good about all this exciting exciting stuffs!!!!!!!!!! Its almost 7 pm on the east coast, one last check of my email to see if their contact emailed me...... ...... .... ..... .......... Nope. That's ok. Things are really happening fast now. They set up my billing with CCRM so I can monitor there. Not sure when that first appt will be, maybe next week sometime. I think they only do 2 ultrasounds with this clinic. I've been trying to decide, if it is twins, do I want a c section or to try for things the natural way. I know that choice may not be up to me, but if it is, what do I do? I am leaning more towards the vaginal birth way, but tearing and stitches sucks so bad. Things with Brooke were so easy, the recovery I mean. 

Speaking of Brooke: 

7 months now. She is trying to crawl. She mostly just get frustrated and screams :) But its so cute and I love her so much. The older daughter just went paintball - ing for the first time. The gun was heavy but she liked it some :) She surprises me with how grown she is. Seems like she was just a little girl, now she is approaching 10! Hard to believe. Also hard to believe I am still 105 lbs and can wear all my same clothes from high school! I went to a silpada party yesterday and several women commented on how good I look. That always feels so good. I guess that is my own personal freak of nature bit :) 

We, almost, have a transfer date!

I had my screening yesterday. It feels like days ago, after all the flights etc, but it was yesterday. Took 4 huge tubes of blood, one urine sample, and one ultrasound/cervical mapping/uterus balloon. It was way more comfortable this time around. I did take some tylenol maybe 30 mins before the uterus waterballoon thing, but it was barely crampy this time. Last time I could have cried it hurt so bad. So who knows what that is about.

So I flew into JFK and A picked me up. We drove the 1.5 hours to the hotel, where we met R for dinner. They are both amazing, and I am so glad I trusted my gut to work with these guys! I had so much fun with them. The next morning was time for my screening. A again drove me and he completed some bloodwork too. We then met with the coordinator who told us the ED wants to retrieve the week of November 4th! So we have narrowed the transfer to be between November 7th and 13th. We wont know for sure until much closer to those dates. I am expected to start Lupron, which is new to me and hopefully the secret to my lining success, on 9/28. I am so excited. But terrified of the PIO start. Josh was not able to attend the appointment with me, so he better not get careless and hurt me with the injections. I know that he doesn't always take things as seriously as I do, so that can make me nervous that because he doesn't know any better that he just wont care.  Anyway, A and I had like 6 hours to kill after the appt so we drove a lot and stopped to walk around a little a few times before he dropped me off at the airport again. I am at work today and not really thinking about work at all. I'm so happy to have sorta dates and all.

On a non surrogacy note, Josh and I have tickets to see trans Siberian orchestra on November 17th and that is something I have been wanting to see for years! Really looking forward to that. And the next couple weekends for me are so busy with friends suddenly wanting to catch up, etc, etc. Transfer will be here before I know it. And all my monitoring appts, see I cant talk about anything else for more than a few seconds :) I'm excited. They, A and R, really want twins and I am inclined to share in their hope. They also really want boys, but have resigned themselves to having girls, because they know when you want one gender you get the other :) Ok. actual work calls.

Screening appt scheduled

Quick note to say: Our screening appointment in CT has been scheduled for 9/17 at 10 am. Complete with injection training which I really hope I just do the lupron. I have Josh talked into giving me the PIO if necessary but I was really hoping to avoid all that. We shall see. Still have no travel plans, but that is in the works. 

Contract signed

Contract has been signed on our end. FedEx'd out to A&R on 8/19. August has really gotten away from me! I am so super excited to be headed down this road again though. We can set up our screening visit any time after the clinic gets our signed contracts. Then we can coordinate and begin to cycle for our October transfer!!!!! I am truly nervous about my uterus but am trying so super hard to leave it in God's hands. He has the plan and whatever is meant to be will be. I do wonder though if the desire to be pregnant will ever go away, will I ever hit the point where I feel done? What if it is just something I will have to think about forever? I guess there will be a point where the decision needs to be made that I will never be pregnant again, but I am not ready for that yet and pray that I can do this once or twice more! 

Anyway, it won't be long between now and transfer and that makes me happy. So here is a cute picture of Brooke :)

Brooke will be 6 months on Friday

I can not believe she will be 6 months already!! Where does the time go?! I'm sad and excited. Its bittersweet to watch your children grow; to see the confirmation of passing time in their small faces. It is funny how as they grow you have to learn to let them go little by little. As they earn your trust and confidence that you raised them right, and they will make the right decision. And how mad you can be at them when they don't make the right choices.

anyway....
So we are about to sign the contract for me to start down the GS journey again. I so hope this time works out. I really want to be pregnant for these wonderful fellas. The contract has gone back and forth a bit and I think we are all on the same page now. They want to transfer in October and they really really want twins. I know I am not suppose to want twins, as it is more dangerous and difficult for both me and the babies but it is an experience that I would be excited to participate in. At least once, probably just once :) So I hope to post more once things get going. I have to fly out to CT for the screening appt hopefully this month. Its a different clinic and RE from last time. I am so excited. I just want to be pregnant again. Its so odd and I can't really explain it.

I have always known that there are people who can not ever be a surrogate. That these people can not separate a baby inside them from their own babies. And that there are people who know they could be a surrogate without ever having been one before. I am also learning that the people who could not do this also have the hardest time understanding my doing this. My mother in law is totally on my side and "gets" it, my own mother does not. My mom is a good mom and will support me but not without sarcasm and I'm sure I will get a lecture, or at the very least a sigh and head shake. My little sister, who has never given birth, will tell me some version of "don't you remember how miserable you were. you said you were never going to be pregnant again. you complained the whole time" and i guess to someone who has never carried a baby to term she would not understand how you can be miserable and so happy at the same time. I know I will complain with the surrogacy too. I will hate parts of it, but I also know that once its over I will feel the same about pregnancy as I do right now. Which is that I miss it, that I can't wait to do it again, that I love that baby bump, that it is truly a miracle, and that I do not want to raise another baby of my own. At some point I will need to tell the whole family that I am a surrogate. It really is just part of who I am, and I am not going to deny it just to conform to society or whatever. If people can not see the amazing-ness of it all then they are missing out, not me. I am, honestly, nervous that history will repeat itself in my uterine lining. And I am thinking about looking at TS if it should. But that is something I will need to think even longer about. That is a very different thing. That I think I could do as well, but the potential repercussions are larger I guess. For now I am just having faith that whatever is meant to be, will be.

14 Weeks Postpartum

Well lets see here.... I went back to work 5/6/13. After a full but too short 12 weeks of leave. I miss my little baby during the day, but it is also nice to feel like myself again. No pregnant belly, no leaky boobs, just Liz. I'm not gonna lie, I really miss being pregnant. I'm even wondering if I could deliver a baby without an epidural at all. It seems like my brain is telling me to suck it up, that it wasn't that bad. I remember thinking the pain was unbearable and I remember saying it really really hurt. But I think it was more the fear of not knowing how much worse it was going to get. I am already in talks with my surrogate agency and they have a potential IF couple for me to talk to. I am so super excited to start that :) I want to give a better birth story so here goes....

On 1/30/2013 I was having back labor type pains and ended up in labor and delivery. While I was contracting I was not progressing so they sent me home. The contractions spaced out to only 3-6 an hour and my obgyn said that some women have this prodomal labor for a week! But not every contraction was even painful so it wasn't a big deal. Just more of a tease than anything. I had my last ob appt on 2/8, I was still 3cm and 90% effaced. She said she would see me on monday 2/11 for my scheduled induction. I was coming down with a bad head cold and didnt want to mention that in case they would not induce me. I had my last day at work, got all my things in order and was looking forward to my last 2 days of pregnancy. Since my cold was getting bad, I showered and got in bed about 9pm. At 1015 a strong contraction woke me up, the kind that you can not mistake for false labor. I got out of bed and started to pace and time the contractions. They came every 3-5 minutes but were only 30-45 seconds long. I was grateful for that because it felt like I was being stabbed in my lower belly and cut open with each one. Since they were short I was not sure if I should go to labor and delivery or not. It took the on call ob 30 minutes to call me back and at that point I had already decided that I could not wait for her. I woke up Zoe and Josh drove us to the hospital about 1130. I checked in through contractions while Josh parked and he wheeled me up to labor and delivery himself :) They took me straight to a room and had me change. At this point I am begging for the epidural, but also notice that if I can bend over and get my belly between my legs the contractions hurt a whole lot less. However I could not be in that position while they hooked me up to all the machines, IV, etc. A quick cervical exam, 5 cm,  and a call to my ob and I was allowed my epidural. I love the anesthesiologist. He is a great man :) So I was 5 cm around midnight and 6 cm at 1239am. The epidural was working and I was hanging out, with no real chance of sleeping. Josh's mom came down around 1 am ish. And at 224 I was 7cm. My nice nurse had to deliver another baby and my fill in nurse sucked. She didnt believe me when my water broke and said it was just my bloody show. So what time my water broke I am not sure. It was around 3 am. I know I was 8 cm at 252. It was sometime after 3 am that my epidural started to wear off. I pushed the dang button but nothing really happened. It started at my feet and worked its way up my legs. The feeling was returning. It sucked to know that I could feel cuz that was not the plan. I did not want to feel anything. The records say I was 10 cm at 342 am and I was determined to have my nice nurse back for delivery. The sucky nurse spent what felt like 10 minutes digging around looking for my bag of waters that had already broke when she didnt believe me awhile ago. So I waited and it worked out. The nice nurse came in and helped me push. It was so weird to feel Brooke move around inside me as she was being born. The nurse would push the top of my belly and Brooke would kick back :) So I could feel this whole part but the contractions felt different, so maybe the epidural was still having some affect on those. Brooke was born at 433 am after maybe half a dozen pushes. It was such a relief to have her out of me. It was so hard to push her out. It was really a lot of work. We spent some time with her alone before we called the family in. The nurses did all the cleaning, bathing, etc right in the delivery room. I'm not even sure when they took her to the nursery, but I think she was only gone an hour or two before she came back. Then she was with me until about midnight before they had to take her for some more monitoring. So I didn't need any stitches which is great news and I was able to get up and walk just a few hours after she was born. They said I was not very swollen and by the next day my uterus was already back to the size it was at 20 weeks pregnant. I went home about 30 hours after she was born and I honestly felt great, aside from that stinkin head cold. Brooke was breast feeding like a champ (she is still a good eater, in the 80th% for her weight on formula now) I was in good control of pain with a couple ibprophen. And after a week was barely bleeding anymore. Brooke started with supplemental formula by monday 2/11 as she was already down to 6 lbs 6 oz. She was a sleepy nurser and liked the ease of the bottle better. She also cluster fed every night from 8 to 11 pm; nursing for 10-15 minutes per side, every hour. The first two weeks were exhausting. I switched her to all formula at 3 weeks and the cluster feedings stopped. She slept in bed with us until about 8 weeks, her choice :) then she moved to a basinet next to our bed. By 9 weeks she would sleep 6-8 hours at night and now at 14 weeks is sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night. She still wakes up around 1 am looking for her binky and then gets fussy about 5 am. I can usually get her back to sleep until about 630 am when I need to get her up and ready for Nana's house. She smiled for the first time at 4 weeks and 2 days. Her first laugh was 5/3, at 12 weeks. In the last week she has started to reach for things and hold rattles in her hand. While she is not very stable she loves to stand with support. Because of her large appetite she is already eating baby cereal, applesauce and bananas.

Having a baby is really hard work. I was more tired being at home with her than I am working. But she is the cutest baby in the world :) And oh so very worth it. I would do it all over again tomorrow :)