Green Light to Start Estrogen

I actually am looking forward to this for more than one reason. Last cycle I felt totally amazing, happy and calm on my estrogen. I am hoping for a repeat. It will be a nice change after the bcp crazies :) The results from my appt yesterday are as follows: uterus thin and ovaries suppressed, estradioal is a bit high at 129 but still got the green light to go. So far I have taken 2 estrace (2 mg each), one 400 iu Vitamin E, 81 mg Aspirin. Still on my plate today are 2 more estrace, one more vitamin E, 16 teapills, prenatal and one e2v IM injection. Only 23 days to go! :) 

We are going out tonight for New Years. Normally I would love this, but I am just not feeling it today. I would so much rather snuggle my babies and go to bed early. I am still waiting on my start of meds fee from my agency. I've been on meds for 2 weeks now and it makes me grumpy that they wait until they are mailing my monthly allowance. Its completely unreasonable for me to feel this way, but I do. Lets blame the bcp :) I feel like I had something else to add here, but I have totally forgotten it. I hate that feeling. As soon as I post this, I will remember :/

I have acupuncture on Thursday, I am sooooo looking forward to that! I have been thinking about getting up early for some yoga but Brooke is such a light sleeper in the morning. Maybe I can just wake her up with me, give her a bottle and let her watch me. Something to get my blood flowing. I am still trying to gain weight. I know this is a problem that only I have. I had gained one pound one day but am back to starting weight. It is so frustrating. When I was pregnant with Brooke I gained weight like crazy and I couldn't stop it, nor did I try to since I was pregnant. However, now that I want just 3 more pounds, it seems impossible. I've added McDonalds and extra food to my daily norm. Oh, I wanted to try Ensure. Let me go order some... Wow well I was away a really long time, not that you noticed :) Shopping online is the best! I got myself some weight gain Ensure and some yummy baby food for Brooke. It will be here Friday. Gah, I'm so impressed with the shipping speeds here. I ordered gifts for my niece and nephew the day after Christmas and they arrived the following Monday. Incredible. I am alone in the office at work now. I think there are actually 3 other people here somewhere.... I guess I better do some actual work. Its a pretty light week :) 

Last BCP

I happily took my last bcp yesterday and promptly threw the rest of those little asshats away. The reality that I still have 2 months worth should I need them is being ignored. I hate those guys! :) They make me mean, angry, irritable and just an overall snarky person to be around. I got the correct chinese herb in the mail tuesday and started them that night. I will stop once AF arrives completely and pick them back up with I start the estrogen. 

I do not want to work today. There's like 10 people in the office so the motivation is just not there. I would rather be home cleaning up the christmas mess. 

Only 4 weeks until transfer! I am getting excited again. AF should arrive tomorrow or saturday. Base line blood and ultrasound on monday. Start estrace, delestrogen, herbs, vitamin E and L arginine tuesday! Acupuncture one week away on thursday. Followed by another ultrasound and blood work on wednesday the 8th. That is the big one. If my lining is only a 4 I might literally cry :( but it wont be. It cant be. Not with all that crap I am going to take. 13 days and we will know. I guess technically if it is only a 4, I still have another week to get it to at least a 7 pushing for an 8. Really want a 10 to make that dream come true! :) Then Dr D can not even theorize that my lining was any problems. :) 

I can not wait to grow an obnoxious belly again. And wear awful maternity clothes! :) I am completely sincere in that I love being pregnant and I am conscious of the fact that it makes me sick and uncomfortable. :) 

Cycle #2 (or cycle #4 overall) has begun

Last night I took my first Lupron injection of this cycle. It was super easy, as usual. I wanted to start my Nu Ke Ba Zhen Wan, however the silly company sent me Tian Ma Gou Teng Wan, which is really not the right herb. So I got the return set up for that order, and used a different company to order again, hopefully I get the right herb this time. Right now I am just on Lupron, prenatal vitamins and BCP. In 12 days I will start the estrace, delestrogen, acupuncture, Nu Ke Ba Zhen Wan, vitamine E and L Arginine. And then its officially ON! :) 

Great Wolf Lodge KC Kansas

We had a great (long) drive out to kansas city from our house south of denver. This is in the early part of our trip, just after sunrise. We managed to leave about 4:45 am! The girls and I slept until sunrise :)

We finally arrived about 3:15pm and went straight to the water park after checking in. All those pictures are on an old fashioned disposable camera! :) But here are some from the room and hotel lobby. The cool cabin and fireplace were in our room. I loved how kid and adult friendly they managed to be! 

The drive home took forever! And I think I am still getting over that part :) I am not a small spaces kind of person. I like to have room to roam. We have our holiday lunch here at work. Sorry to be so short :) 

Just can't wait to be pregnant

I tested out one needle with one syringe last night and it seems to work out ok. It doesn't twist on like the others, rather it just pushes together. I guess that will get the job done. Still not sure if I should use the bigger needle to draw up the delestrogen, or just use the smaller needle to draw up and to inject. I'm just so excited to be pregnant. Honestly I feel different about this cycle. Maybe because I have completed a whole cycle start to BETA under my belt now and there is no uncertainty with the process. Or maybe its just whatever is meant to be will be :) 

we leave in 12 hours to drive to kansas city for Zoe's birthday surprise. Should have some pictures to share next week :) 

Got (another) big box of MEDS!

So I got another big box of meds last night. Although I really wish they would have spoke with me before ordering all this. I have a little over one bottle of progesterone suppositories that I will not use as they inexplicably switched me to Crinone. I have 2 boxes of Crinone. I have 7 (seven!!) bottles of PIO. 270 estrace pills. 3 bottles of delestrogen. A whole bunch of baby aspirin and prenatals. and of course the proper amounts of prednisone and doxy. Its insane :) I also have the vitamin E bottle  of my own addition. Oh and 3 months of bcp. Next week I will have my bottle of the chinese herbs(Women's Precious Teapills) the acupuncturist recommended. I will start those as soon as they arrive to try to get more of that into my system in prep for this cycle. On monday I started 1 Vitex a day ( I took this the cycle I got pregnant with Brooke) but will stop vitex when the teapills arrive. Have also been thinking about adding L Arginine, but then I would probably take L Lysine as well because arginine is a known cold sore aggravater and lysine is a known cold sore treatment/preventor. AND I'm pretty sure the syringe they sent me for the delestrogen is not compatible with any of the needles they sent. so I will have to test that tonight AND the directions on the new estrace are different from what my timeline says, so I email the coordinator. Turns out the rx is correct, the timeline wrong. Awesome :) So I will be taking 8 mg estrace a day and the delestrogen twice a week. I really feel good about this cycle :) every now and then the nervous about my lining act up, but I try to keep them quiet. I am putting up a couple maternity shirts so that I have something positive to focus my thoughts on :) I am silly excited every day just thinking about all of it :) I really really can not wait and could not want anything more than to be pregnant for A and R!!! :) 

A Big Rant...

Sorry that this may be a more negative toned post, these BCP makes me a person I don't like as much... But I am going to rant like a mad woman :)

thing #1

There is a girl at work that bugs the ever living crap outta me. She is young, just turned 23, so some of this may be due to her lack of experience. But most of it is because she is dumb as rocks. I try not to hate her, but she doesn't make that easy. I can barely understand her because she says the word "like" every 3 seconds and I like totally can't like stand that like type of like thing.  I don't want to spend much time on her, but I hope she gets a promotion so she leaves my dept.

thing #2

There is a woman, who NEEDS attention. She will start a thread and cry if no one responds to her. Could a person be more needy?! The internet is not dedicated to you. I could not be friends with her. Sometimes no one has a comment to something you say, its no big deal.

thing #3

My clinic is not as good as I thought. I guess they are better than NEFI, but they are far from smoothly operated. So my own impatience aside, they sent an RX to a different pharmacy. They ordered all my meds AGAIN from this pharmacy. Without considering that I still have 150 estrace, they ordered more. Without considering that I have 2.5 vials of PIO left, they ordered more. My thinking is that this could have been avoided if we used the same pharmacy. My IFs would not have had to pay for all this extra stuff if more communication was attempted. Now assuming I get pregnant at our next transfer I will use all these up, but if I don't then that was a big waste of money that the clinic did not care to think about.

thing #4

Dr D thinks the reason we are not pregnant is that my lining was only ok, not great. I told him about my days of positive pregnancy tests, but he did not seems to believe me. Asked if I took them right, asked about using the right urine?! Said it was too soon to know if the embryos had issues or if my uterus had issues. Really?! 4 of 8 embryos just stopped growing, 50% of them stopped growing and you can't think they might have an issue. 2 made it to freeze at 5 days and the 2 that we transferred to me tried to implant but didn't make it all the way. And there is no reason to suspect they might not be of the best quality?! Sharron said "R has one nice 5 day embryo left and A has one embryo left." Don't think I missed how she only said that R's frozen embryo is nice and that A just has one frozen. Dr D never even looked at my lining before transfer, so whose to say it was not great?! Granted the transfer was guided by abdominal ultrasound, so he could tell a little. He said we had better success than NEFI did at getting my lining thick enough to transfer, but since it didn't result in a pregnancy, we must need it thicker. Yes I am being angry and unreasonable, and we have a nice plan in place to try again. But a big :P to you!

AND THE GOOD NEWS:

my next timeline:

12/18/2013 - start Lupron and prenatal
12/25/2013 - last bcp
12/30/2013 - ultrasound and blood work
12/31/2013 - start two 2 mg estrace and .2 cc delestrogen(every tues and fri) and baby aspirin
(1/2/2014 - acupuncture, start chinese herbs and vit E)
(1/7/2014 - acupuncture)
1/8/2014 - ultrasound and blood work
(1/14/2014 - acupuncture)
1/15/2014 - ultrasound and blood work
1/17/2014 - last Lupron if my lining is thick enough
1/18/2014 - first PIO
1/19/2014 - crinone, prednisone (5 days) and doxy (5 days)
1/24/2014 - transfer of 2 frozen 5 day blasts (praying that both survive the thaw)

I still have to schedule the acupuncture, and buy the chinese herbs, once I find that paper she wrote them down on. My agency wants me to find flights, so off to travelocity. :)

I LOVE my IFs

My IFs are the best ever :) Let me tell you what happened today that makes me know this even more... So these bcp make me a little angry and unreasonable, pretty much all the time. The clinic has been less than communicative with me, which I let go for all of last week due to thanksgiving. But when I get a call from yet another different pharmacy (3 now) wanting to ship meds, that I don't even know what they are, I get a little frustrated. So I sent a snotty email to the clinic. And I emailed my IFs to let them know I am being a pain in the rear to the clinic. Then R tells me to just be a b*tch about it. :) Yay! made me feel so much better that they support me even when I am being hormonal and demanding :) At least the email back from the clinic was polite and even cheery. When I started this post a few hours ago, I had a lot more feeling involved. Now I am a little exhausted after Zoe's hour long ADHD results appointment and all..... So I actually have to get some work done. I have my phone call with Dr D tomorrow so I'm sure I will have an update then.

I will not cut my hair

I will not cut my hair until I deliver a surrogate baby. So here are pictures :) 

Before I cut my hair in July 2013

After haircut in July 2013

Me and Josh, my hair at transfer 11/2013

My hair now shoulder length and a little pink 3/7/2014

4/7/2014 past my collar bone; with Zoe

5/10/2014 straightened; if only I did not cut my hair in July 2013

9 weeks until transfer #2

Well... Hoping to get a new calendar tomorrow with a new time line that ends with transfer Friday 1/24/2014. The good old witch (aunt Flow) arrived yesterday and although I have no cramping at all, she is quite.....heavy in her visit. At least I know my lining really did thicken up. I stopped all meds last Wednesday; and Thursday through Saturday night were impossible. Not only was I constantly sweating all night, Brooke is teething again and has not been sleeping well herself. So the NC said DR D wants to add in one more injectable med to the process, but she wouldn't say which one. I have a phone meeting with him on 12/4/13. I am still so bummed that this first try didn't work. Its probably much better timing to get pregnant in January though :) I am much more guarded however. Have I broken down the donor egg thing?? Well I will again, 12 retrieved, 8 fertilized, 2 transferred to me on day 4, 6 attempted to grow to day 5 but only 2 made it to freeze on day 5. So of 12 potentials, only 4 have been deemed good enough to transfer. Now we have to have faith that those 2 totsicles will thaw and can be transferred to me. I will make more acupuncture visits and perhaps try those herbs she suggested. I will ask Dr D on the phone call next week about those. 

This week is thanksgiving. I love this time of year. Not so much the cold, but the feeling of the holidays makes me so happy. Also next week we get to hear the recommendations for Zoe's ADHD. I am looking forward to taking steps with her on this. She was with her dad this past weekend. I always miss her so much when she is with him. Just serves to remind me that I can't live without her :) At least I have my girls to get me through this disappointment :) Oh and in 17 days we take Zoe on her surprise 10th birthday trip. I am really excited for that. Then its Christmas! So thanksgiving this week, Zoe's appt and phone call with RE next week, week after that is Zoe's trip, a week of nothing after that, then its christmas, then new years, then I will start  meds again for our January transfer. :D yay! :) 

Here are picture of me and Zoe being silly. 

Big Fat Negative

Well, Beta is in.... and.... Its negative. Must have been a chemical pregnancy. I am bummed. I will take a few days to collect myself and come back and update here with a plan hopefully.

BFP??!!! 7 day past a 4 day transfer

This is all the same test, just 6 pictures of it :)

The start of a BFP???

This could be the start of a BFP, still too early to call it for sure! :) But wanted to post anyway! First the BFN

BFN from 3.5dp4dt and 4dp4dt

4.5dp4dt

4.5dp4dt tweaked for better line observance

and for fun her is the tweaked picture in negative :)

3 Days Past Transfer

Well, here I am, 3 days past a 4 day transfer. I have pictures to share and what should be a long story. But I will try to keep it short. Transfer was Sunday  Neither A nor R could make it. They retrieved 12 eggs and 8 fertilized. 4 for each IF. We transferred 2, one from each IF. The RE didn't even check my lining!!! Had blood work this morning. E2 is 1467 and P4 is 42. Both great numbers.  I already have taken 2 opks (can be used as an hpt but not as reliable) and one hpt. Last night the opk was start white but this morning it had a squinter of a second line. I took a cheapie hpt which was BFN, no pictures of that. :) I have been calling these embies Jack and Jill. I know they are both snuggled in, just can't wait for the HPTs to show it :) I have 3 HPTs left and a bunch of opks. So I guess I will take another opk tonight and an HPT in the morning. The PIO is still not bad. The injection sites are tender, but that does not make the shot hurt any worse. Josh is still doing a great job of giving them to me. Have to add the pictures and then take off, plenty of work to do at...work. 

2.75dp4dt negative opk

3dp4dt modified by opk to show the hint of a second line

me with the two embies all tucked in

my transfer shirt 

"I might change your life"

2 PIO down, (potentially) 56 to go

Well, we started the PIO last night, and again this morning. It will now be an every morning shot. Josh did a great job!! It really did not hurt. The shot from last night is way more sore than the shot from this morning though. Last night was the first, so maybe I was tense? This morning I took a shower right after, maybe the heat helped? Transfer could be as soon as 2 days away. 

My acupuncture yesterday was probably the best yet. I did actually fall asleep a little, but into this super relaxed, Zen zone :) It was so warm and cozy! I am excited to see what my lining is doing after these treatments. I know it will be great. Ok maybe I honestly have a smidge of doubt in there too, because I'm trying to prepare myself. I am doing my best to let that go though! So today I am 2 weeks pregnant! Until proven otherwise! :) I emailed the NC with a question about transfer and my meds, and also asked how many eggs were retrieved. She may not tell me, but I asked :) I will update with her response when I get it later. 

Ok - response from the NC is....She didn't tell me :) She just said we will see what we get after fertilization tomorrow. But she did mention that every friday the clinic has a big IVF meeting, and she may be able to give me a set transfer date after that meeting friday :) My backside is rather sore from each PIO. I can feel the injection sites as I walk. Bummer. The shot itself doesn't hurt but this is rather yuck. Nothing I can't handle. For some reason, a quick painful shot is much worse sounding than a long dull ache. I've put a heat pack behind me in my desk chair, that is soothing the muscles. I'll have to wait and see how the rest of the shots go before I make a real decision about PIO. 

Flying to CT in 3 Days!!

You read that right! My flights are being booked! Fly out 11/8 fly home 11/12/13. Transfer is 11/9, 11/10 or 11/11! WOO-HOO!!!! I am so excited I can barely sit in my chair. Transfer day is only 4-6 full days away :) I can't even think straight. So many last minute things to do! We need to find someone to feed the dogs. Give my mom the dates and arrange Zoe's weekend with her dad since I will not be here to pick her up. Reserve the rental car. Pack. Buy a new dog bed. Oh Man I am nervous for this PIO. Tomorrow is my next acupuncture and my first PIO shot. AAAhh! Fingers crossed my lining will look good, the NC did not say anything about another lining check. That makes me nervous, but maybe if i'm there and its on the thin side they will still transfer?! Just have to think fluffy thoughts. I better get my work done for this week! :) EEEEEKK!! 

NOVEMBER!!

IT'S NOVEMBER!!! yay yay yay yay! Month of transfer! :) I had my second acupuncture session today. It was awesome! She did some electric stimulation of the needles in certain points in my legs today. Said that would tell my body to make more blood and those points traveled up my legs and met in my uterus. (or something more professional sounding, but that was the point) So it would send more blood flow to the uterus. An hour there feels like maybe 15 mins. Total relaxation. I have been sleeping so much better and I have more energy during the day. I feel so motivated. (on a side note: I am thinking of taking the family gluten free. Zoe's possible adhd would benefit, Josh's headaches could be gluten related, and its a nice effort to see if that is something I am sensitive too which creates my constant stuffy nose) I have been checking my email like a crazy person waiting to hear from the clinic. The earliest they would know is tomorrow, but I can't help myself. :) No idea what the uterus is up to. Feels full like and a little crampy, ever so slightly. Nothing major. Last night I soaked my feet in a very hot bath (read online somewhere that that can help fertility) and scrubbed and massaged my feet with a sugar scrub, following by a body butter. They are almost smooth! I also put my Jamberry Nails on, the ones with the green tips. It was a lot easier than I expected it to be. And they look really good. I hope they last until transfer, which is 5-11 days away. I have an important meeting at work on the 14th and made Zoe a follow up doctor appointment that day, so I really hope we are back before then. But those things can be moved if not. When I stop and actually think about stabbing a needle through my soft flesh and muscle it makes me cringe, so its best to not think about that part. :) I will have Josh handle that end :)  One more acupuncture on Tuesday. Fingers crossed that the extra time on estrogen, the Vit E and the acupuncture have made a difference!!! A 6 is all we need to try for transfer IMO. Dr D says 7 but I have a feeling about 6. just saying. BAAAHHH!!!!! I'm excited :) 

So hard to wait :)

Still after all this time, I am impatient. Maybe its not even that. I am just excited and really looking forward to the next steps. I really feel like the acupuncture has helped! My cold has gone away and my lower belly feels full. Feels more like it did when it was uncomfortable a couple weeks ago. This is the longest I have been on estrogen. I feel like the Vit E is doing something too :) I keep checking my email. Like the clinic is going to know this early when the ER will be. The donor has only been on her meds since friday (7 days), so its way too early to know. I have heard of women stimming in only 9 days though :) I feel like maybe I should have tried to squeeze one more acupuncture in, but 3 sessions in 12 days seems good?! Right!? This is going to work. I hope the morning sickness is not too bad. I wonder if acupuncture can help with that too? I read somewhere that one woman swears something helped, I'll have to go back and see if that was in the acupuncture thread. I think I will have to start PIO in roughly 6 days! Nervous!!  transfer time frame is 7-13 days away :) I went to SMO to find the acupuncture survey and this is the woman that I was thinking of "My lining on the same med protocol increased by 2 mm after acupuncture. Transferred 2, delivered twins. I also had almost no side effects from the meds (whereas my previous cycle I had them all, it seemed) and the easiest first trimester of all 3 of my pregnancies. (My first two pregnancies were singletons that rendered me useless from exhaustion and avoiding most foods from food aversions.) Acupuncture is amazing!!!"   I'm sure there is some etiquette about copying someone's words, but it's a public forum, so I think I'm ok.  I think even 2mm would be enough to get us to transfer :) I kept reading and this woman did go more often that I will. Tomorrow is Halloween. We are having a pot luck at work and my dept is dressing up :) Then its trick or treat time, crap I need to buy candy to hand out. Then its friday, which is nothing special, but the day I hope to hear from the clinic and my next acupuncture. I need to walk more. Man I am all over the place today. I had better stop trying to get my thoughts to be in any kind of order, and really stop trying to write them down. :) 

Acupuncture

Last Friday (10/25) I had my first ever acupuncture treatment. It was flippin amazing :) She (the acupuncturist) spent so much time getting to know what I wanted the acupuncture to do, and about other parts of my health/life history that could shed light on my uterus. She put me at ease, was just that type of person. So warm and confident. So what does acupuncture feel like? Some needles I could feel and some I did not feel at all. None of them hurt. Then as time passed, I felt warm and heavy and completely relaxed. I felt calm and at peace, and let go of all my worries. I still feel that way! :) Very Zen!! She gave me a list of food that would help my blood circulation and foods to avoid. Not necessarily specific food, but groups. Like protein is good, avoid too much cold food or raw salads. Cook grains thoroughly for easy digestion. She suggested two chinese herbs to try that she thinks would really help, but I am not ready to approach the RE with those yet, and we only have 9-16 days until transfer anyway, not much time for them to take affect. So if we have to cycle again, I will bring those up. She said definitely yoga could help. I tried to eat pineapple core on saturday, but only managed two small pieces. Its tough. And not very flavorful. I did drink most of the juice from it, for whatever good that could do :) One of the IM's from my cycle group on SMO suggested Vitamin E, which I have emailed the NC to ask about. AND she just emailed me back, that it is fine to add Vit E. I feel like I am giving her all she's got right now. I know I could try the herbs and maybe other stuff, but I'm feeling quite full with what I'm doing :) I have not emailed with A & R in a few weeks, but feel ok with that. We all know we are all busy :) Getting really close now. We should hear friday or monday when the retrieval will be, and therefore when the transfer *should* be, but definitely what days we need to fly out. EEK! YAY!!

Well, Crap!

I'll probably keep this short, as it is not the news I wanted to be sharing. My lining check this morning showed my lining as 4.5 mm. Per usual. Deja vu from 2 years ago. Except I am on double, no TRIPLE the estrogen. I already asked if I could add acupuncture or Viagra. Now just have to wait to hear from the clinic. I know that 2 weeks is still plenty of time to make this lining grow. I'm just not sure what they can do. Hopefully they stim the egg donor and can retrieve and freeze her eggs. Maybe I could try a natural cycle. Or maybe I just need longer on estrace? Maybe I am just a slow grower? I have never been on meds longer than 18 days. Today is day 15. Second cycle last time on day 15 my lining was exactly the same as today. Maybe give it one more week, maybe adding the acupuncture and/or viagra too?? I have  no answers, just have to wait for the people who do have the answers. I feel awful though. Maybe I am meant to be a TS? Well I know GS can have natural cycles too with a frozen transfer. The clinic will not wait past 1 oclock mtn time to get the results, so we have 1.5 hours left on that clock. I will update when I hear something. 

Update - The NC emailed me back, they still do not have my results 5 hours after my appt. She said as a last resort they could add injectable estrogen. That gives me hope, but I'm betting they won't because of my E2 level. I don't even know what it is, but I'm betting high. I feel fine though, so maybe CCRM's lab is crap :) Maybe I can talk them into adding the injectable estrogen. Or patches? I might do the acupuncture myself. I did look into several places, if I can find where I wrote that info down.... NC may not even call me until tomorrow. So much for making me use an RE's office to insure same day results. HA! 

10/25/2013 - Update - Ok the NC emailed me this morning. I was hoping she would call so I could ask questions  but I'm happy with the email. She said that Dr D is fine with proceeding as scheduled. That my e2 was over 1,000 so my lining should continue to grow. And I have 2 weeks still to let it do its thing. They are starting the donor's stim tonight and will contact me with transfer details. They didnt even ask for a follow up ultrasound. I am stunned, in a good way. The good Dr says my lining will continue to grow, and so it shall :) I've never let it go this long on the estrace so, it seems like it should. I scheduled an acupuncture appointment for this afternoon anyway, as I have read that it can do wonders. So I guess Count Down to Transfer continues!! 12-17 days, less than 3 weeks!!! EEk! :)

Pictures!

Just trying to pass the time! Only 1.5 days till ultrasound! (How am I going to survive the two week wait?!)
so here are some pictures from the last couple weeks

Brooke eating her apples

Brooke eating my apple

her outfit this morning 10/22

baby in a basket with a balloon

at the pumpkin patch, in the corn maze

Daddy's girl

gonna be trouble :)

Zoe and her friend at the pumpkin patch

I'm not sure what came over me, as I usually never let Zoe have friends over (she can not keep her room clean, which is a requirement of company) but not only did I let her friend spend the night friday, I brought her with us to Anderson Farms in Erie, CO. It was not too bad. The girl is not extremely well behaved but we didn't have any major issues. She liked to throw rocks, which pushed my buttons, and she told me I looked like a teenager :( but overall it was fairly painless. We all got nice pumpkins and everyone got fresh air and sunshine! It was pretty warm too (see Zoe in her tank top) a nice break from the chilly weather we've been having.

Anyway, I'm feeling great. Which I am now worried is a bad thing. But I like this dose of estrogen. Sure I can be cranky when I'm driving :) but otherwise I feel happy, and calm and nice :) I think I have gained 2 lbs. Probably just my bad eating or maybe some bloat, or maybe the estrogen makes me hungry! I am still on a tiny bit of Lupron too. So who knows. 

Count down to transfer - 15 to 20 days away! 

A Good Dream

So last night I dreamed that I was at my ultrasound appointment next week, and the tech, very excitedly, told me my lining was 10 mm! We were both so happy! :) Fingers crossed this dream comes true :) 

I feel like my estrogen must be doing something. While my uterus does not really feel as full like it did on Monday, I seem a bit bloated and I think I have a small cold sore on my lip, which happened early in my pregnancy with Brooke and after delivery (when my hormones were going up and down) only 5 more days until we find out. So I don't really have much to say. We are going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow with some friends and our girls. That's it! 

Review of past cycles

So out of curiosity I went back to check dates of my two cancelled cycles. 11/4/11 start estrace 2 mg 2x a day. 11/11/11 2 mg  3x a day. 11/21/11 cycle cancelled with a lining of 4.3. On 12/2/11 start estrace 2mg x2 a day. 12/16/11 cycle cancelled with a lining of 4.5.

So the first cycle I was on 4 mg estrace for 7 days then 6mg for 11 days. Cycle cancelled after only 18 days on estrogen. Cycle two was 4 mg estrace for 15 days before cycle was cancelled.

This time I have been on 12 mg estrace 7 days so far, 7 days more until my lining check. Then another 14 days until the earliest possible transfer. This protocol is much longer. I bet that will do the trick. Maybe my lining is just a slow grower. Maybe it really just takes it some time to reach the nice fluffy 7 mm they want to see. My natural cycles are 48 days long with a 14 day luteal phase, so maybe 29 days on estrogen will be enough to grow my lining. usually I ovulate around day 30-34 so that could work :) I am definitely curious to see what my lining is next thursday. So far away ;)

Estrogen Day 6

I am feeling pretty good. Moody perhaps. It's delicately snowing outside today and the stupid prenatal vitamin gave me fish burps. My uterus is getting a little annoyed and its letting me know that. It feels better with a little heat. Hopefully that is a good sign, hopefully that means that things are happening in there. 3 weeks away from the earliest we would need to be in CT. Probably about 3.5 weeks from transfer! Yesterday I felt pretty yucky. Not sure what that was related to. (I think a little constipation was the culprit) But I still feel a bit dizzy. 8 days until my next ultrasound and bloodwork. I am still afraid of the PIO. I can't decide if I want to ice the area first, or just do it. I am suppose to take those shots in the morning and may not have time to ice anyway. I don't usually allow myself enough time to get ready as it is. Let alone having to add any extra steps. We shall see. Nothing much else to report. Blogger keeps giving me an error....

Begin Estrace and Aspirin, lower Lupron.

So it was confirmed as ok to begin my 6 pills daily of estrace this morning, plus adding baby aspirin and lowering my lupron dose in half. I had side effects from the estrogen when I was only taking 2 pills a day. So this should be fun. Oh, I found this interesting tidbit online yesterday, I will just copy what I posted to SMO:

So, I read something on the internet and I want know what everyone thinks of this ...... I was searching for women who had their E2 come back too high after Lupron. One woman said after x amount of time with her levels still not considered suppressed her RE sent her blood to an outside lab to be tested. well lo and behold her levels were perfectly suppressed. The reason was that she produced a protein in her blood that could pop as E2 with some testing methods. The outside lab's method only detected the actual estrogen and not the protein. My curiosity was peaked because in my last cycles, I was only on 2 estrace pills a day (4mg) and my E2 was coming back over 2500. I am using the same monitoring clinic, so same lab for this cycle. My last RE would not increase my estrace dose because of my levels of E2, even though my lining was only 4.5 mm. -- This cylce however I am on 6 pills a day (12 mg) and my E2 will not be checked again until 10/24. So I just found all that very interesting.

I think maybe I have that! :) But we shall see. Obviously my E2 was not high enough to prevent me from starting the estrace, and it was low enough to seem relatively suppressed, combined with my uterus and ovaries. Chugging along. I promised pictures of my bracelet. So here it is. It's the Zen Dharma Stone bracelet from Joseph Nogucci. I bought it Here .

Its green for fertility, and Zen to keep me calm. I wanted to get both sides in the pictures because opposite the Buddha is a very pretty and sparkly ball :) So for the next 14 days I will Keep Calm and Cycle On :) then they will check my E2 again, which will probably be sky high, but hopefully my lining will be fluffy soft and welcoming to two little embryos. I wonder if I have a green nail polish? I'm sure I do somewhere :)  Here's to staying calm, happy, and positive for 2 weeks. (Then I have 2 weeks until transfer, then another 2 weeks until Beta)

Baseline

Well I heard from my CT clinic, that my E2 is still higher than they like, but the coordinator feels the RE will want to start estrace tomorrow anyway. However, she can not confirm until tomorrow morning. So I am to stay on my current dose of Lupron and not start estrace until I hear from her. The u/s looked good according to the tech, but those results were not commented on during my call with CT. Just one time I want the results from one of these calls to be "yep perfect just what we wanted" well maybe my next call will go that way. How weird my body is. First cycles lining is too suppressed, will not grow. This cycle, ovaries are not as suppressed as we want to see. My E2 seemed to run high in my last cycles, but never had any effect on my uterus??!! GAH, I don't know what it all means!! :) but tonight I take same lupron dose, and I will  bring my estrace and aspirin to work tomorrow to await word of directions.

CD 1 AF - quick note

Well AF (finally, thankfully) arrived today. Normally she is quick to show up after the end of bcp, but she took a couple extra days this time. However I am pleased with her presence and her efforts. Things are going well. Today I have had bad headaches, which sucks. But they are not too too terrible. Manageable I would say. I have a pot roast in the crock pot for dinner, so at least I don't have to cook :) Brooke had her first instance of bed head this morning. I loved it! I should have got a picture! :) She has moved on to the '3' foods now, such a big girl, and trying to say Ba. My mom only wants her to say mama and doesn't seem too interested in other consonants.  Less than two days until my baseline appointment with CCRM. Then I can start the mega dose of estrogen. Based on AF I don't think I am as suppressed as I was last time I cycled and that gives me great hope. I have a special gift to myself coming in the mail today :) I will have to upload a picture of it. I really really really want to have two babies for A and R. I really really really like them so much :) And I really really want to be pregnant and give birth again. Its like getting a tattoo. It kinda sucks and kinda hurts but it's still really fun and makes you want to do it again and again. 

Lupron Does Not Hurt.

Yay!! Lupron doesn't hurt. It's quick and easy with really no hesitation. I stay on BCP until thursday. I have my baseline scheduled for 10/9 at 11 am. Not sure if I mentioned all the BS around the monitoring clinics. I am going through CCRM up until transfer but have to find some where else after that. Another clinic CRA I called also does not do post transfer monitoring. The one place I did find is 45 mins away :( Trying to convince the RE that I can get my u/s done at my obgyn and get my labs done stat at labcorp. I was suppose to hear from them today, but haven't yet.

So I've had three doses of Lupron so far. Today is the first day I feel a little off. Nervous for my baseline, and nervous for my lining check on 10/24. 3 weeks is a long time to think about what ifs.

Here is my shipment :)

Big Box of Meds

I am still wondering what to do when my sharps container gets full. I should read through all my papers again and see if i missed those directions. Otherwise my BFF is in school to be a pharmacist so I bet she knows :) I got a beautiful cross necklace for myself and received it in the mail the day I started the Lupron. It's a sign :) I just need to remind myself to relax, there is no hurry. There is a plan. Whatever is meant to be will be. I try to tell myself that every time I see or touch my small cross necklace.  

You have to see some pictures from the pumpkin festival. Went with some friends and their daughter who is 7 weeks older than Brooke.  

Zoe at 9 years 9.5 months

Zoe and Brooke-7.5 months

Brooke and Koraleigh-9 months

That pumpkin the babies are sitting on wasn't even the winner in the contest. The winner was about 200 lbs bigger than this one!! (I really do not want to work today)

My Med Protocol / Timeline

Well I got my timeline yesterday. I will be getting 9 different meds in the mail today :) I start the Lupron tomorrow. This is the easy shot and I hope it goes that easy. I keep telling myself its not a big deal to take either shot (PIO as well) but I have a feeling that I will get very nervous. Maybe since I should be getting the smaller 1 inch needle for the PIO it won't look so bad??? Maybe??? I didn't even ask about the size gauge of the thing.... well anyway. Tomorrow I start Lupron and continue birth control and pre natal vitamin. Next Wednesday 10/3 is my last birth control pill. On 10/9 I am to have my first blood work and ultrasound appointment. The day after that, assuming all results are fine, I decrease Lupron and start 6 2mg Estrace tablets. The most I took last time was 3 tabs a day. And my E2 levels were 2659 at the end of that cycle. My lining was only a sad 4.3 at that time. The second cycle I was only on 2 tabs and my E2 was 2243 but my lining was 4.4. I thought I had at least made it to a 5 but I guess I didn't. NEFI was happy with my estrogen results, but a simple google tells me that those figures could be double and still well accepted. I really really hope that jump starting my "cycle" with this mega dose of estrace will be just the ticket to a fluffy lining. Anyway, I will also start low dose aspirin the same day as estrace. Continue this dose until ultrasound and bloodwork on 10/24.  That is going to be a tough two weeks, not knowing what is going on with my lining :) Then CT fertility will contact me on when to stop the lupron and start the PIO. The day after that I add prometrium, and Prednisone and Doxycycline. These last two are only for 5 days. Then another 2 weeks of waiting for a blood pregnancy test. But I know I will take a test before that :) HPT here I come :) Josh feels like this new protocol will take me all the way to transfer. I hope so too.

So I started a workout video last night, Jillian Michaels 6 week 6 pack. Hopefully I will have lots of muscles by the time I get pregnant and that will hopefully help to carry twins, or even one baby really :) It is so hard to think about work, now that this is going on. AHHH!!! Excited :)

ThunderCats Are Go!

While I am not old enough to remember the cartoon, I did see the movie Juno :) So.... ThunderCats Are Go! 

We have passed all screening. We are set for donor egg retrieval week of November 4th! I should receive my timeline, hopefully tomorrow, but at least this week. The clinic coordinator said to expect to start meds this Saturday. Not a lot of time to talk myself into all these shots, but maybe it is just best if I do NOT think about it :) So FLIPPING EXCITED :) 

I have to tell work, when nosy coworker is not around. She is bugging me too much lately. So she can be the last to know! Well this was not the font color/background I intended, it shall stay for today. Ok. Think..... Is there anything I need to do? I wanted to get into a bit better shape before I get pregnant again. I have lost all the baby weight as of..... a month or two ago. But I still want some muscles. I need to have them preggie pops/drops for the morning/all day sickness. Try more/different/any motion sickness bands. 6 weeks until transfer. I really feel like this time will be different than my unsuccessfull attempts before.  I was just reading a slight horror story on SMO about IPs shutting the GS out with months left to go in the pregnancy, and all the things she is having to deal with. But I can not let myself think that would happen to me. I guess I should try to be aware that these things can and do happen, but I will not let that color my experience. So I am feeling very good about all this exciting exciting stuffs!!!!!!!!!! Its almost 7 pm on the east coast, one last check of my email to see if their contact emailed me...... ...... .... ..... .......... Nope. That's ok. Things are really happening fast now. They set up my billing with CCRM so I can monitor there. Not sure when that first appt will be, maybe next week sometime. I think they only do 2 ultrasounds with this clinic. I've been trying to decide, if it is twins, do I want a c section or to try for things the natural way. I know that choice may not be up to me, but if it is, what do I do? I am leaning more towards the vaginal birth way, but tearing and stitches sucks so bad. Things with Brooke were so easy, the recovery I mean. 

Speaking of Brooke: 

7 months now. She is trying to crawl. She mostly just get frustrated and screams :) But its so cute and I love her so much. The older daughter just went paintball - ing for the first time. The gun was heavy but she liked it some :) She surprises me with how grown she is. Seems like she was just a little girl, now she is approaching 10! Hard to believe. Also hard to believe I am still 105 lbs and can wear all my same clothes from high school! I went to a silpada party yesterday and several women commented on how good I look. That always feels so good. I guess that is my own personal freak of nature bit :) 

We, almost, have a transfer date!

I had my screening yesterday. It feels like days ago, after all the flights etc, but it was yesterday. Took 4 huge tubes of blood, one urine sample, and one ultrasound/cervical mapping/uterus balloon. It was way more comfortable this time around. I did take some tylenol maybe 30 mins before the uterus waterballoon thing, but it was barely crampy this time. Last time I could have cried it hurt so bad. So who knows what that is about.

So I flew into JFK and A picked me up. We drove the 1.5 hours to the hotel, where we met R for dinner. They are both amazing, and I am so glad I trusted my gut to work with these guys! I had so much fun with them. The next morning was time for my screening. A again drove me and he completed some bloodwork too. We then met with the coordinator who told us the ED wants to retrieve the week of November 4th! So we have narrowed the transfer to be between November 7th and 13th. We wont know for sure until much closer to those dates. I am expected to start Lupron, which is new to me and hopefully the secret to my lining success, on 9/28. I am so excited. But terrified of the PIO start. Josh was not able to attend the appointment with me, so he better not get careless and hurt me with the injections. I know that he doesn't always take things as seriously as I do, so that can make me nervous that because he doesn't know any better that he just wont care.  Anyway, A and I had like 6 hours to kill after the appt so we drove a lot and stopped to walk around a little a few times before he dropped me off at the airport again. I am at work today and not really thinking about work at all. I'm so happy to have sorta dates and all.

On a non surrogacy note, Josh and I have tickets to see trans Siberian orchestra on November 17th and that is something I have been wanting to see for years! Really looking forward to that. And the next couple weekends for me are so busy with friends suddenly wanting to catch up, etc, etc. Transfer will be here before I know it. And all my monitoring appts, see I cant talk about anything else for more than a few seconds :) I'm excited. They, A and R, really want twins and I am inclined to share in their hope. They also really want boys, but have resigned themselves to having girls, because they know when you want one gender you get the other :) Ok. actual work calls.

Screening appt scheduled

Quick note to say: Our screening appointment in CT has been scheduled for 9/17 at 10 am. Complete with injection training which I really hope I just do the lupron. I have Josh talked into giving me the PIO if necessary but I was really hoping to avoid all that. We shall see. Still have no travel plans, but that is in the works. 

Contract signed

Contract has been signed on our end. FedEx'd out to A&R on 8/19. August has really gotten away from me! I am so super excited to be headed down this road again though. We can set up our screening visit any time after the clinic gets our signed contracts. Then we can coordinate and begin to cycle for our October transfer!!!!! I am truly nervous about my uterus but am trying so super hard to leave it in God's hands. He has the plan and whatever is meant to be will be. I do wonder though if the desire to be pregnant will ever go away, will I ever hit the point where I feel done? What if it is just something I will have to think about forever? I guess there will be a point where the decision needs to be made that I will never be pregnant again, but I am not ready for that yet and pray that I can do this once or twice more! 

Anyway, it won't be long between now and transfer and that makes me happy. So here is a cute picture of Brooke :)

Brooke will be 6 months on Friday

I can not believe she will be 6 months already!! Where does the time go?! I'm sad and excited. Its bittersweet to watch your children grow; to see the confirmation of passing time in their small faces. It is funny how as they grow you have to learn to let them go little by little. As they earn your trust and confidence that you raised them right, and they will make the right decision. And how mad you can be at them when they don't make the right choices.

anyway....
So we are about to sign the contract for me to start down the GS journey again. I so hope this time works out. I really want to be pregnant for these wonderful fellas. The contract has gone back and forth a bit and I think we are all on the same page now. They want to transfer in October and they really really want twins. I know I am not suppose to want twins, as it is more dangerous and difficult for both me and the babies but it is an experience that I would be excited to participate in. At least once, probably just once :) So I hope to post more once things get going. I have to fly out to CT for the screening appt hopefully this month. Its a different clinic and RE from last time. I am so excited. I just want to be pregnant again. Its so odd and I can't really explain it.

I have always known that there are people who can not ever be a surrogate. That these people can not separate a baby inside them from their own babies. And that there are people who know they could be a surrogate without ever having been one before. I am also learning that the people who could not do this also have the hardest time understanding my doing this. My mother in law is totally on my side and "gets" it, my own mother does not. My mom is a good mom and will support me but not without sarcasm and I'm sure I will get a lecture, or at the very least a sigh and head shake. My little sister, who has never given birth, will tell me some version of "don't you remember how miserable you were. you said you were never going to be pregnant again. you complained the whole time" and i guess to someone who has never carried a baby to term she would not understand how you can be miserable and so happy at the same time. I know I will complain with the surrogacy too. I will hate parts of it, but I also know that once its over I will feel the same about pregnancy as I do right now. Which is that I miss it, that I can't wait to do it again, that I love that baby bump, that it is truly a miracle, and that I do not want to raise another baby of my own. At some point I will need to tell the whole family that I am a surrogate. It really is just part of who I am, and I am not going to deny it just to conform to society or whatever. If people can not see the amazing-ness of it all then they are missing out, not me. I am, honestly, nervous that history will repeat itself in my uterine lining. And I am thinking about looking at TS if it should. But that is something I will need to think even longer about. That is a very different thing. That I think I could do as well, but the potential repercussions are larger I guess. For now I am just having faith that whatever is meant to be, will be.

14 Weeks Postpartum

Well lets see here.... I went back to work 5/6/13. After a full but too short 12 weeks of leave. I miss my little baby during the day, but it is also nice to feel like myself again. No pregnant belly, no leaky boobs, just Liz. I'm not gonna lie, I really miss being pregnant. I'm even wondering if I could deliver a baby without an epidural at all. It seems like my brain is telling me to suck it up, that it wasn't that bad. I remember thinking the pain was unbearable and I remember saying it really really hurt. But I think it was more the fear of not knowing how much worse it was going to get. I am already in talks with my surrogate agency and they have a potential IF couple for me to talk to. I am so super excited to start that :) I want to give a better birth story so here goes....

On 1/30/2013 I was having back labor type pains and ended up in labor and delivery. While I was contracting I was not progressing so they sent me home. The contractions spaced out to only 3-6 an hour and my obgyn said that some women have this prodomal labor for a week! But not every contraction was even painful so it wasn't a big deal. Just more of a tease than anything. I had my last ob appt on 2/8, I was still 3cm and 90% effaced. She said she would see me on monday 2/11 for my scheduled induction. I was coming down with a bad head cold and didnt want to mention that in case they would not induce me. I had my last day at work, got all my things in order and was looking forward to my last 2 days of pregnancy. Since my cold was getting bad, I showered and got in bed about 9pm. At 1015 a strong contraction woke me up, the kind that you can not mistake for false labor. I got out of bed and started to pace and time the contractions. They came every 3-5 minutes but were only 30-45 seconds long. I was grateful for that because it felt like I was being stabbed in my lower belly and cut open with each one. Since they were short I was not sure if I should go to labor and delivery or not. It took the on call ob 30 minutes to call me back and at that point I had already decided that I could not wait for her. I woke up Zoe and Josh drove us to the hospital about 1130. I checked in through contractions while Josh parked and he wheeled me up to labor and delivery himself :) They took me straight to a room and had me change. At this point I am begging for the epidural, but also notice that if I can bend over and get my belly between my legs the contractions hurt a whole lot less. However I could not be in that position while they hooked me up to all the machines, IV, etc. A quick cervical exam, 5 cm,  and a call to my ob and I was allowed my epidural. I love the anesthesiologist. He is a great man :) So I was 5 cm around midnight and 6 cm at 1239am. The epidural was working and I was hanging out, with no real chance of sleeping. Josh's mom came down around 1 am ish. And at 224 I was 7cm. My nice nurse had to deliver another baby and my fill in nurse sucked. She didnt believe me when my water broke and said it was just my bloody show. So what time my water broke I am not sure. It was around 3 am. I know I was 8 cm at 252. It was sometime after 3 am that my epidural started to wear off. I pushed the dang button but nothing really happened. It started at my feet and worked its way up my legs. The feeling was returning. It sucked to know that I could feel cuz that was not the plan. I did not want to feel anything. The records say I was 10 cm at 342 am and I was determined to have my nice nurse back for delivery. The sucky nurse spent what felt like 10 minutes digging around looking for my bag of waters that had already broke when she didnt believe me awhile ago. So I waited and it worked out. The nice nurse came in and helped me push. It was so weird to feel Brooke move around inside me as she was being born. The nurse would push the top of my belly and Brooke would kick back :) So I could feel this whole part but the contractions felt different, so maybe the epidural was still having some affect on those. Brooke was born at 433 am after maybe half a dozen pushes. It was such a relief to have her out of me. It was so hard to push her out. It was really a lot of work. We spent some time with her alone before we called the family in. The nurses did all the cleaning, bathing, etc right in the delivery room. I'm not even sure when they took her to the nursery, but I think she was only gone an hour or two before she came back. Then she was with me until about midnight before they had to take her for some more monitoring. So I didn't need any stitches which is great news and I was able to get up and walk just a few hours after she was born. They said I was not very swollen and by the next day my uterus was already back to the size it was at 20 weeks pregnant. I went home about 30 hours after she was born and I honestly felt great, aside from that stinkin head cold. Brooke was breast feeding like a champ (she is still a good eater, in the 80th% for her weight on formula now) I was in good control of pain with a couple ibprophen. And after a week was barely bleeding anymore. Brooke started with supplemental formula by monday 2/11 as she was already down to 6 lbs 6 oz. She was a sleepy nurser and liked the ease of the bottle better. She also cluster fed every night from 8 to 11 pm; nursing for 10-15 minutes per side, every hour. The first two weeks were exhausting. I switched her to all formula at 3 weeks and the cluster feedings stopped. She slept in bed with us until about 8 weeks, her choice :) then she moved to a basinet next to our bed. By 9 weeks she would sleep 6-8 hours at night and now at 14 weeks is sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night. She still wakes up around 1 am looking for her binky and then gets fussy about 5 am. I can usually get her back to sleep until about 630 am when I need to get her up and ready for Nana's house. She smiled for the first time at 4 weeks and 2 days. Her first laugh was 5/3, at 12 weeks. In the last week she has started to reach for things and hold rattles in her hand. While she is not very stable she loves to stand with support. Because of her large appetite she is already eating baby cereal, applesauce and bananas.

Having a baby is really hard work. I was more tired being at home with her than I am working. But she is the cutest baby in the world :) And oh so very worth it. I would do it all over again tomorrow :)