14 Weeks Postpartum

Well lets see here.... I went back to work 5/6/13. After a full but too short 12 weeks of leave. I miss my little baby during the day, but it is also nice to feel like myself again. No pregnant belly, no leaky boobs, just Liz. I'm not gonna lie, I really miss being pregnant. I'm even wondering if I could deliver a baby without an epidural at all. It seems like my brain is telling me to suck it up, that it wasn't that bad. I remember thinking the pain was unbearable and I remember saying it really really hurt. But I think it was more the fear of not knowing how much worse it was going to get. I am already in talks with my surrogate agency and they have a potential IF couple for me to talk to. I am so super excited to start that :) I want to give a better birth story so here goes....

On 1/30/2013 I was having back labor type pains and ended up in labor and delivery. While I was contracting I was not progressing so they sent me home. The contractions spaced out to only 3-6 an hour and my obgyn said that some women have this prodomal labor for a week! But not every contraction was even painful so it wasn't a big deal. Just more of a tease than anything. I had my last ob appt on 2/8, I was still 3cm and 90% effaced. She said she would see me on monday 2/11 for my scheduled induction. I was coming down with a bad head cold and didnt want to mention that in case they would not induce me. I had my last day at work, got all my things in order and was looking forward to my last 2 days of pregnancy. Since my cold was getting bad, I showered and got in bed about 9pm. At 1015 a strong contraction woke me up, the kind that you can not mistake for false labor. I got out of bed and started to pace and time the contractions. They came every 3-5 minutes but were only 30-45 seconds long. I was grateful for that because it felt like I was being stabbed in my lower belly and cut open with each one. Since they were short I was not sure if I should go to labor and delivery or not. It took the on call ob 30 minutes to call me back and at that point I had already decided that I could not wait for her. I woke up Zoe and Josh drove us to the hospital about 1130. I checked in through contractions while Josh parked and he wheeled me up to labor and delivery himself :) They took me straight to a room and had me change. At this point I am begging for the epidural, but also notice that if I can bend over and get my belly between my legs the contractions hurt a whole lot less. However I could not be in that position while they hooked me up to all the machines, IV, etc. A quick cervical exam, 5 cm,  and a call to my ob and I was allowed my epidural. I love the anesthesiologist. He is a great man :) So I was 5 cm around midnight and 6 cm at 1239am. The epidural was working and I was hanging out, with no real chance of sleeping. Josh's mom came down around 1 am ish. And at 224 I was 7cm. My nice nurse had to deliver another baby and my fill in nurse sucked. She didnt believe me when my water broke and said it was just my bloody show. So what time my water broke I am not sure. It was around 3 am. I know I was 8 cm at 252. It was sometime after 3 am that my epidural started to wear off. I pushed the dang button but nothing really happened. It started at my feet and worked its way up my legs. The feeling was returning. It sucked to know that I could feel cuz that was not the plan. I did not want to feel anything. The records say I was 10 cm at 342 am and I was determined to have my nice nurse back for delivery. The sucky nurse spent what felt like 10 minutes digging around looking for my bag of waters that had already broke when she didnt believe me awhile ago. So I waited and it worked out. The nice nurse came in and helped me push. It was so weird to feel Brooke move around inside me as she was being born. The nurse would push the top of my belly and Brooke would kick back :) So I could feel this whole part but the contractions felt different, so maybe the epidural was still having some affect on those. Brooke was born at 433 am after maybe half a dozen pushes. It was such a relief to have her out of me. It was so hard to push her out. It was really a lot of work. We spent some time with her alone before we called the family in. The nurses did all the cleaning, bathing, etc right in the delivery room. I'm not even sure when they took her to the nursery, but I think she was only gone an hour or two before she came back. Then she was with me until about midnight before they had to take her for some more monitoring. So I didn't need any stitches which is great news and I was able to get up and walk just a few hours after she was born. They said I was not very swollen and by the next day my uterus was already back to the size it was at 20 weeks pregnant. I went home about 30 hours after she was born and I honestly felt great, aside from that stinkin head cold. Brooke was breast feeding like a champ (she is still a good eater, in the 80th% for her weight on formula now) I was in good control of pain with a couple ibprophen. And after a week was barely bleeding anymore. Brooke started with supplemental formula by monday 2/11 as she was already down to 6 lbs 6 oz. She was a sleepy nurser and liked the ease of the bottle better. She also cluster fed every night from 8 to 11 pm; nursing for 10-15 minutes per side, every hour. The first two weeks were exhausting. I switched her to all formula at 3 weeks and the cluster feedings stopped. She slept in bed with us until about 8 weeks, her choice :) then she moved to a basinet next to our bed. By 9 weeks she would sleep 6-8 hours at night and now at 14 weeks is sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night. She still wakes up around 1 am looking for her binky and then gets fussy about 5 am. I can usually get her back to sleep until about 630 am when I need to get her up and ready for Nana's house. She smiled for the first time at 4 weeks and 2 days. Her first laugh was 5/3, at 12 weeks. In the last week she has started to reach for things and hold rattles in her hand. While she is not very stable she loves to stand with support. Because of her large appetite she is already eating baby cereal, applesauce and bananas.

Having a baby is really hard work. I was more tired being at home with her than I am working. But she is the cutest baby in the world :) And oh so very worth it. I would do it all over again tomorrow :) 

7 weeks postpartum...

39 weeks 2 days

Brooke Rozlyn born 2/9/13

 

Brooke and Daddy

Brooke about 6 weeks old

Well its been 7 weeks since Brooke was born. After weeks of early labor with fairly regular but painless contractions, all the sudden they became regular and painful, one friday night. It was about 10 pm when they woke me up from sleep. Right away 3-5 mins apart, like a pain I really cant describe. We left for the hospital about 1130. I was admitted right away, no stop in triage, thank god. I was checked and was 5 cm! I got my epidural right away too. I was 10 cm about 330 and started to really push about 4 am. Brooke Rozlyn was born at 4:33am 2/9/13 at 7 lbs even and 19 inches long.

 

its funny how similar the pregnancies ended....with both girls by 37 weeks i was 3 cm and 90% and I went on to carry both over 39 weeks. Labor got intense by 10 pm and i was admitted to the hospital at midnight both times.

 

i would write more but Brooke is keeping me pretty busy. I have been cleared medically for a surrogacy and am looking forward to that down the road :)

The Last Month

yay! this is the last month of my pregnancy. Phew! I'm sure I will miss being pregnant, but right now I'm pretty focused on the end of it. I feel huge, but I also don't feel huge. I know women can get much larger than I am. At the same time, it is difficult to move, I waddle like crazy, I can not breathe or turn over at night. So in that way I feel huge :) Back on 10/19/2012 I made a guess at this baby's birthday.....  I guessed 1/27/2013 at 915 am 6 lbs 11 oz 20 inches. I'll probably make it to February even though I do not want to :) However, there is a full moon on 1/26/13 so odds are in my favor for that weekend. I'm worried I might have SPD with this pelvic pain I am having. Also last friday they took my blood to check my iron levels and I have not heard back yet, hmmm....

I'm just really excited to meet my little girl, to tell everyone her name so that they stop bugging me. Geez I just wanted one surprise for everyone, but everyone wants to know right now. Probably just because I don't want to tell them. Its just a normal name. Her middle name is still in the air between two names and will be until she is born and I can see her. Zoe has the most say in the middle name I think :) I am ready to pour all kinds of love onto a baby :) its much more fun when the baby is outside than inside of me... Blah I feel frazzled and don't really know what to or have anything to say. So that's it!

Ouch.

Ok so I am 32 weeks 5 days based on measurements or 32 weeks 2 days official actual dates whatever. Last night was miserable. My pelvis, legs, pelvic floor all hurt. I could barely get out of bed to pee, I was not a happy camper. On top of normal things, my lungs burn in the middle of the night when i get up. WTF is that? why is that happening? It seriously hurts to breath, it doesn't wake me up but when I wake up to roll over or run to the bathroom, it is awful. I can not describe how bad it hurts, but it makes me want to cry. Today the pain and pressure continues, wondering if I am starting to dilate. I can not have this baby before 35 weeks, so she has to stay in there no matter how much it hurts. Sciatica? check.  Heartburn? check. Miserable pregnant lady poor attitude? check. I was hoping to  make it to 35 weeks before the Get-This-Baby-Out-Of-Me kicked in :( not so much. Potentially, I have 7 weeks to go. I will be surprised if I make it all that way, and I will also be miserable. I still think 1/21/13 is go time. Too bad I will have to be on call at work the week before that :(  wanna see my 32 week belly? 

Still not pregnant with twins

That question never gets old :/ No I am not pregnant with twins. Yes I am sure. As sure as one person can be with all the technology available to me. I do feel more like 34 weeks pregnant than 32 weeks. I do think baby had a growth spurt over the weekend. But I know I still have weeks of this left. ☺ I have ventured a guess, maybe too early, for my delivery date. I guess 1/21/2013. Josh said 2/3/13 this morning. He doesn't remember his guess from last week :o) Today is brought to me by back pain apparently ☺ I suppose it comes with the territory. I went to the obgyn friday, baby is head down ish. Her head is curled into my hip, so she is a little crooked. No one is worried about that yet, still plenty of time to straighten out. If she doesn't then its a c section, which I am also fine with. I'm not one of these women who feel they have to deliver "naturally" by any sense of the word. I trust the medical staff around me. No one is trying to hurt me or my baby or giving me bad advice to get more money in their pocket. Oh! So I was watching a video about breast feeding (because I do not want a lactation consultant to see the girls. I know its silly after pushing a baby from my body, that I would be so modest about my chest, but I am, and I intend to stay that way) and I think it was sponsored by Ameda. One of the big breast pump companies at any rate. It was not too bad until about 6 minutes in when they started going on and on about how sickly non breast fed babies could be. It makes me so mad that they toss this stuff around like it is fact. It is not fact. It is not black and white. Is is not like breast fed babies have super human immune systems and will live longer and healthier than formula fed babies. They went as far to claim breast fed babies have a lower risk of SIDs. So what are you trying to tell me? That I am putting my baby in danger by not breast feeding?! That is ridiculous and cruel to put a new mother through that emotional wringer. They said formula fed babies will have more allergies, diabetes, and more illness in general than breast fed babies. Zoe had only formula from day one. She did not have her first illness until 14 months. She has no allergies, except to rabbits. She is perfectly healthy. Grr. It just makes me so mad that "they" spew this crap to vulnerable emotional new moms who only want the best for their baby. Nothing is going to happen if you do not breast feed. Jebus!!!! 
all kinds of people only formula feed their babies  that blog seems to be a very supportive place, stories of women who couldn't breast feed, who didn't want to breast feed, whatever the case may be. 

Point being: I will not say boo to you about your choice to feed your baby breast milk or formula. Why do you have any right to say anything to me about my choice. Live and let live people. 

Of course, I think you should be informed equally in both sides before making a decision. That's just common sense though, isn't it? 

Does 32 weeks = 8 months?

Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks based on the last ultrasound (which brought me 3 days closer so that is the date I am using ☺) I think it is funny how seriously some women take the weeks vs months debate. Yes I know that each month really doesnt have just 4 weeks in it, but why make things so complicated?! Pregnancy last for 40 weeks according to every medical professional under the sun, most of us know that we are really not pregnant those first two weeks, and only marginally pregnant the next two weeks (as the fertilized egg travels and implants and becomes the zygote, embryo whatever) I got my positive pregnancy test on June 1 2012. So I have known that I am pregnant for the last 6.5 months. Wow it feels much longer than that ☺ I'm at that stage where when people ask how far along I am, and I answer in weeks, they get confused. Well so am I. I'm somewhere between 7 and 8 months. I have 8 weeks left. I have 35 days until full term (37 weeks) 

Josh has made the guess that the baby will be born on 2/9/2013. Not a bad guess. Its a Saturday. I am not sure. Knowing that Zoe was born 3 days early from her best guess due date which I now think was a whole week off and should have been 12/22/2003, I am leaning to a guess of 2/3/2013 for this baby. Or I am also calling 2/14/2013 as well because that really could happen. Not that I want to go past my due date....

Since last Saturday she has been pushing into my hips.... almost like pushing into the hollows of my pelvis. And she has been giving my cervix one hell of a beating for about two weeks now. Today the pressure is pretty constant. I've had to stand up and move around twice already and its not even noon yet. If I stand and sway it seems to lull her back to sleep and I can get some relief from the cervical beatings. Also my legs are hurting, which probably happened with Zoe but I don't remember. My ankles and calves ache. Chewing on ice makes me happy, I don't necessarily crave it, but when it happens that I get ice from my water into my mouth and I can crunch it, it really makes me happy ☺ 

Lets see if I can add a picture from 29 weeks   

That worked well ☺ lets see if I can add a progression pic 

9 Weeks To Go.

So we are in the home stretch here with only 9 weeks until my due date. I am 30 weeks 5 days pregnant. 

Its funny how nick names.....stick I guess. When I was pregnant with Zoe a lady from work called me Little Mama the last few months. Now 9 years later, different state, different job, different lady, I am again Little Mama.  Perhaps the first step into losing my identity to motherhood :) Not that I mind, but some days I would rather be Liz than Mom. Some days I would like to close the bathroom door without immediately catching Zoe's attention that I must be doing something without her. And when she finds the door locked, she shakes it. Some days it is hard to live within the knowledge that in just a few short years Zoe will be shutting me out in favor of teenage secrecy. She wants to share everything with me right now. She wants to be around me, still, all the time. She would still be sleeping in my bed every night if I let her :) She is my baby girl and I really hope that our relationship stays strong in her teen years.  I am actually really excited to be able to go through this whole thing again. All the little girl things that I did with Zoe I will get the chance to do again. 

So, at the end of this pregnancy, seems to odd to say that already, I am tired. I found my journal from the last 6-7 weeks of pregnancy with Zoe. I will have to read it and pick out all the symptoms of approaching labor, so that I can trick myself into thinking I have them right now....er....I mean, so that I can watch out for those signals :) I was surprised to read that I had a ton of braxton hicks contractions at the end with Zoe. I do not remember having any. So it would seem the amount I have now is not surprising. I think about 34-35 weeks with Zoe the first stages of labor started. There was lots of pressure, pain, contractions, restless energy all night, tired all day. Then I started to dilate and efface. I wonder how this pregnancy will go....if sitting at a desk all day will make any difference, since I was standing all day with Zoe. The baby was unusually active yesterday and is less active than normal today. So of course that freaks me out. She hasn't even had the hiccups today. Maybe she is just tired from all her activity yesterday. Maybe she just got herself into a position where I feel less. I'm much more nervous about everything this time around. How do I know that its all ok?  I guess now I am just worried the cord will be wrapped around her neck or have a knot or something like that, something you can't predict or stop really. Have to just leave it in God's hands and have faith. 

 Aside from being a worrywart mom, I am tired, just slightly swollen, lots of braxton hicks and lately cramping. Back pain is back, not quite as bad as in the first trimester yet. Indigestion after lunch and dinner most days. Itchy hands. I have yet to crave the smells I did with Zoe, but reading about craving sand makes me think it sounds like a great idea and I want to go roll in it and sniff it, feel it, mmmmmmmm. Did I mention I am tired? Maybe its more like exhausted. And have almost felt like morning sickness was making a come back. It really is that the first and last trimesters are icky. The second trimester is amazing :) 

The baby's room is all set. I think we have everything we need for her. Maybe some small things that would be helpful to have, but with Christmas around the corner I will wait to buy any more. I am so excited to meet my newest little baby. And to see what she looks like. What color her hair is. Will she have Josh's nose? Only 37 days until full term, then any day after that is a good day for baby :) 

Been Awhile...

well it sure has been awhile since Ive been here. So long even blogger is different, and I have to figure this whole new thing out. I really want to post some picture but I'm not sure I will be able too in this post. I really want an awesome photo editing tool or program or something. I want to be able to mass a bunch of belly pictures into one line so I can see progression.

Anyway, on with the updates. I am pregnant :) 19 weeks and 2 days. Baby girl measures 3 days ahead :) We are due 2/11/13. This pregnancy has been so vastly different than my last and I am very grateful it is mine and not a surro pregnancy. I'm not sure how I would have felt going through all that I have with a surro baby. I am so glad I had this kina wake up call. On the good notes, I have had less issues with my placenta and ultrasounds of this baby. Today we had our anatomy scan and every single thing is normal :) My placenta is still on the lower side of my uterus but with 20 weeks left to grow and it is technically just within normal limits there is every reason to believe it will continue to move up as my uterus continues to grow. I have already gained 15 pounds and my mom told me today how good I look at this weight. I only look pregnant at this weight. I am not sure what she is trying to do with that comment. If I could figure out this picture thing, I could show you how round I look in the middle. At this point in my last pregnancy I had only gained 3 pounds... I feel better having gained 15. My blood pressure is great, I was tipped off by my OBGYN that a small amount of caffiene a day will keep it from getting too low. Success :) It is still lower this time than last, and I really do not have any swelling yet. Yay! What parts have sucked? The first 10 weeks. Well weeks 5 to 10 anyway. Then just part of weeks 10 to 13. And not only is there round ligament pain, seems like my whole abdomen aches most of the time. And heaven forbid I get a little gas trapped in there, man that really really really hurts. The braxton hicks come about 5 a day, but my cervix is still just over a 4 so that is great news. Holding strong. I am trying to enjoy it!

I love getting to feel her move. Its been about 6 weeks now that I have been able to tell she is moving around it there :) but it still takes me by surprise most times, that it is in fact a baby.

Surrogacy is still on my mind all the time. I wonder if I should still do it. Could I go through the rough first trimester again? What will the 3rd bring this time? How big will I get? Am I big now? Every one else seems to think I am still tiny and they ask where I have this baby. A really nice lady at my OBGYN said she bets I am the type of woman who has a baby and within a week looks like I was never pregnant. Gotta say, that made my day :) Josh and I want to get married. That would postpone a surrogacy. Do I want to use my current agency? What about one closer to me?

I am so excited to have this baby though. Another daughter! I am so lucky to have these girls. I know Josh really wants a boy and maybe one day that will happen too, who knows.

Hoppity Rabbits

So we are getting rabbits. All because I had a lapse in good judgement and mentioned to my daughter she could get fish. Fish became a turtle which I had to talk her out of because I do not want a Turtle. And as any mom knows whatever pet you get for your child ultimately becomes yours. So a rabbit the fish became. And two rabbits the fish became because apparently rabbits bond to each other and it makes them happy. I sure as sh¡t do not want one sad rabbit. So I'll probably get two pain in the rear rabbits. It didn't hit me until I had spent over $200 on rabbit things and was building the cage in my daughters room that this rabbit commitment is insane. Things were annoying enough with two dogs and one child, now I'm adding two rabbits because I didn't want to spend the $50 on a fish tank. Wtf?! Let this be a lesson. Spend the money on the fish, even if you have to exceed your credit limit, to avoid the more expensive pet your child will ask for once giving the idea some thought. I should have talked her back into the fish. This is completely my fault. Crap.

Oh well. We are getting two furry and warm little bunnies and it will be fine. I thought I wanted a rabbit anyway :) and I definitely needed more chores to fill my time :)

Seriously though I thought it would be nice for her to have these little friends since our dogs are too big for her to really enjoy. Hopefully the little bunny ears will be there for her when all the puberty hormones take over and she needs to vent her problems but hates my guts. I hope she can bond with them and can love them. That's the plan. In reality she might lose interest in 2 weeks :( but my intentions were good. And at least we are adopting from a shelter, mature rabbits. So somehow good is being done.

Odd Changes

Soooo.... I haven't told anyone outside of my agency and Josh, but I have decided not to move forward with the surrogacy. I finally got the contract last wednesday. It took M & S a month to decided to match with me, then another month to review the contract. I just simply do not want to do it now. 15 months ago when all this started, I wanted nothing more, but now I do not want it right now. I would rather keep my new job and focus on my family for a little while. Josh and I want to get married, and have a baby, and not necessarily in that order. I still very much want to be a GS but now I want to wait until we have a baby of our own. Wait until we are married. It may be better after we have our baby anyway to prove that my uterus is not broken, I hope. I did ovulate even though it was cd 53, making this a 67 or 68 day cycle. af is due in the next few days. My temp was still up this morning but the pms mood has hit hard. I feel like my fertility is fine, just frustrating that my cycles, potentially all of them, are so long. When I was a young teen before the bcp I had long cycles, but I dont think I really watched for a pattern. Since then I havent been off the pill for more than a few months at a time. So this will be a new thing for me to think about, to chart my cycles. Lets see if I can post my chart. I dont think it is going to work. My Chart 
<a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/cad64">My Ovulation Chart</a>
[url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/cad64]My Ovulation Chart[/url]

I tried. I just do not feel good tonight, the left over pizza from dinner is not sitting well :( but anyway this blog will just have to become a regular blog, maybe a ttc blog, maybe a planning my wedding blog. I should probably try to update with my actual witty thoughts which I swear I have in real life. I am honestly pretty funny and overall a nice person :) Its just hard to remember blog alone, let alone remember the fun to read things.

Matched

So i am officially matched, again. With M&S from Italy. They are a very attractive really nice sweet couple. They are younger than my last IPs, but over 20 years. We are hoping for an immediate cycle. Contracts started today. I do need to apply for a new back up insurance plan which is a pain just like the life insurance was. I'm pretty sure I am in an anovulatory cycle. Hopefully af shows up in the next 7 ish day. I've been temping and charting for the last 11 days and i feel pretty sure I did not ovulate at all which is kinda depressing for my own fertility. If af doesnt show I can use the progesterone suppositories that i have to trigger it. then we can start bcp then lupron and finally estrogen again. I am really excited but still less than i was before. I'm just a bit more guarded. Not quite as confident. nothing really interesting or new is going on. I am still interested in a new job, whether that works out or not..... I interviewed last week for a good sounding job that I should hear either way about tomorrow or thursday. I'm not feeling to chatty so thats it :)

Just hanging out

There is not much going on. I am just hanging out waiting for something, anything, to happen. Whatever it is that happens I will take as what is meant to be. I worry that I might get pregnant on my own and that I will hurt any possible IPs feelings. Well ok not hurt their feelings but make them feel sad, disappointed, that spectrum. But at the same time maybe God has decided that I am not done with babies of my own, and need to finish that before a GS. The last time I was off bcp my cycle was 36 days long with ovulation about day 22. A really great luteal phase, which makes me happy because they have been as short as 10 days. I did feel ovary twinges on day 14 this cycle, but never in my life have I had a perfect 28 day cycle like that. I am leaning towards not believing it. If AF shows up this sunday though, I will have no choice but to believe it. Maybe because of the hormones I took over the last two months, this cycle seems different somehow. It feels like long stretches of nothing. maybe also because while on bcp af is induced at 24-28 days. Here i am day 25 with nothing. Yesterday I was really crampy and thought AF would be here early! To be fair, I am one of those crazy people who think they are pregnant every single month that any tiny thing is remotely different. Whether I am on bcp or not :) I am starting to believe though that I ovulated early, or on time for the normal women, and that af will fly in this weekend. 3 more days to find out :)

But my agency might have a couple for me, I'm not sure if I mentioned the italian couple that I skyped with. They may want to move forward. That would be really exciting. I am really looking forward to cycling again. We would have to move on a contract soon. They are suppose to speak with Dr Doyle today, so we hope to have their answer tomorrow. I'm not sure how long the contract process will take. hopefully just a week, as I would like to use the same contract points, everything. Then they already have frozen embryos. AF is due sometime between 1/22 and 1/30. We maybe could set a transfer for end of february or in march :)

I just don't know when Josh and I are going to get married. Its not that big of a deal since we live together and already bought our house. Now its pretty much just a piece of paper. I still want to get married and I still want a more traditional wedding. Josh may not be ready as he is still not wanting to wear a tux :(  but he seems to like things that are different, even if they are ugly, just based on their being different and not something he sees often or at all before. Its a little bit ridiculous. I like unique things too but one can not see only how unique it is, it must also still be what you need it to be. One thing that I know for absolute sure about Josh, is that he has to learn everything on his own. He will not take my word for it. He will not believe me until he gets the same results. It is just the way he is. I am not too different from him, but in some cases I do take the wisdom of others. :) I do sometimes care for the feelings of others over myself, and that is something I need to work on.

Still a little down

i am still feeling a bit down about everything. I even went so far as to tell my agency that I wanted to take a break. But my wonderful coordinator is doing all the work behind the scenes and is letting me think about whatever I want. Of course, it is surrogacy :( I also want a new job.It would be so nice to earn a little more money, or a lot more, that would be nice too. I am just feeling stagnant and restless. Are those oxymorons? maybe not. my life is stagnant and i am feeling restless. Its just that i spent a whole year working towards something and i am back to square one. its such a bummer.

My little Dobie had to get 15 stitches on Christmas Day and her wound is finally healing. Although she has pulled all but two stitches out and its gonna be a bad scar on her leg. She is a really happy puppy. just turned 1 :) but with all the stitches she pulled out, it hasnt completed healed and she is hard to keep settled down, so the wound still bleeds and hurts her :(

 I am a worry wort. I am worried that I will never feel just content in things in my life. that i will always need that new thing to focus on and plan, look forward too. If the surrogacy moves forward then we can not get married on 12/12/12 which is also on my mind. I want to plan our wedding. Not that we are officialy engaged because I am old fashioned and want the ring and proposal :) 

Pix from the month i thought about being a model...

anyway, all the people at work keep asking me about it, and I just do not want to tell this story over and over. I want to just go with the flow and be ok content happy exactly where i am. I think my hormones are a little out of whack too. Not sure. I wish life came with a map, so that i would know what was ahead of me. I'm not huge on surprises. silly life. And its all about money which is sucky. well...no sense in sitting here thinking about things that have no solid solutions.

I Have No Words....

NEFI has recommended that S&S no longer use me as a surrogate. I did not respond to his protocol after 2 cycles and that is all he is willig to try. My agency called and said that she spoke with another RE who they often use who said he would definitely work with me and will accept the testing from NEFI, and that there are many other things to try when one protocol doesnt have the results they are looking for. I am majorly bummed. Bummed for me and Bummed for S&S. This match is over. My agency will match with me another couple. But its just so sad. I want so much to do this, to help someone. Its been a year and I am back to the beginning. I am not ready to give up on surrogacy, its just a lot harder than I thought it would be. Its hard not to get discouraged and wonder if it is meant to be at all. I am not ready to give up though. I leave it in God's hands.