Update

Sorry to leave ya hanging. Its been a bit of a whirlwind.

My instincts were right that Dr D recommended a new GS. I was bummed but felt I knew it was coming. The guys sent me a very nice email, which made me feel great. My agency was willing to have my records reviewed and attempt to match me again, but I declined. I offered to be a TS for a really good friend of mine at work, but she needs a year to save, so we have a 24 month plan basically. After that I posted an ad as a TS on SMO looking for the right match. I have one really amazing gay couple I am speaking with and a local couple just emailed me, but I don't have as good a feeling about them. We shall see how it all plays out. I could go into so much more detail, but I am very busy at work right now.

until next time...

WTF is wrong with my uterus

So.... my lining actually got thinner!! I read about another surro who's lining thinned and it turns out she ovulated. I emailed the NC to find out. I feel like Dr D will recommend to A and R to find a new GS. Which totally bums me out, but I am not ready to give up on this dream. I am leaning towards TS however, with the possibility of a natural FET only as a GS. Have to wait and find out what the clinic wants. My agency has also reached out to the clinic. Sorry for the short update. But I don't have many details as of yet.

10 days until transfer

It's getting so close! I am so excited. I emailed with R today because CCRM charged him twice. Not sure if one was for the ultrasound and one was for the blood work, but he is going to call and find out. I am so bloated! Which I take as a good thing. I am moody too, this delestrogen must be doing something that the estrace did not :) I still have not received my payment for the start of meds. I don't like to talk about money because that's not why I am doing this, but it should have arrived weeks ago. I emailed my agency twice with no response! Not sure what to do now, I do not want to make a big deal about this, but seriously??! I'm hoping one of the ladies there got my email and that initiated a check. Why they have not emailed back, I do not know. :(

 The next two days are going to be very busy. Tomorrow I have to work the early shift so I can take Zoe to her first ADHD psych appointment. I also have acupuncture at 11:30 and the delestrogen shot at night. Then on Wednesday I have my ultrasound and blood work at 8am and then a meeting with Zoe's school at 2:45pm. Hopefully I will get the results from the monitoring appt that day and not thursday, the extra wait is soooo long :) 

I have upped my Vitamin E to 3 pills a day which is 1200 iu. Not sure really what mg of that is, either 540 mg or 805 mg depending on if the pills are a natural form or a synthetic form. I upped the L arginine to 3 pills as well, which is 1500 mg. this : "Vitamin E & L-Arginine

A study published by Fertility and Sterility in April, 2010, showed that both vitamin E supplementation and/or L-Arginine may aid in increasing the thickness of the endometrium in women with thin uterine lining <8mm. Researchers wanted to see if these supplement could increase uterine radial artery (uRA) blood flow. Results showed vit. E given at 600mg a day increased uRA in 72% of patients and endometrial thickness (EM) in 52% of patients. 6g of L-Arginine given per day resulted in an 89% increase in uRA, with an increase of EM in 67% of patients.

The effect of vitamin E was examined in the endometrium. Results showed that vitamin E increased glandular epithelia growth, development of blood vessels and vascular endothelial growth factor protein* expression within the endometrium." says I should be taking 3 times that amount....  but ya know, I've got my 16 teapills a day, my 1 baby aspirin and my 4 estrace. So regularly taking 27 pills a day seems solid to me. :) Plus the Lupron and delestrogen.... I practically feel pregnant already :) 

I never did update with the results of my first monitoring appt. They said my lining is developing nicely. They did not change my meds. The lady who took my blood was new and messed up the first stick, so another lady had to come and try my other arm. Luckily they had success there. My first arm is still sore but miraculously did not bruise. 

So hard to focus

I really should be working but all I can think about is surrogacy :) and how much I want to be pregnant for A and R. My uterus has been heavy and achy for the last 3-4 days, Hope that is a good sign. I don't really have anything to update. Only 16 days and we fly back to CT. A shorter visit this time which I think I like better. Have been thinking about future surrogacies and what those might look like. Things I would do differently. Every time I match with someone, I learn new things that are important to me. Plus things change as I get older as well. I have acupuncture tomorrow and lining check bright and early Wednesday morning. I am trying to keep all nervous out of my system, but it can be difficult to do. I hung up some maternity shirts in my closest so that I can look at them every day. Keep positive images in my head. I know my lining did a great job growing on 28 days of estrace. I only get 18 days of it this cycle. Well things could be pushed back a week to give it more time to grow. So Wednesday's ultrasound can not be negative. Either I am on track or my track gets longer. I have drank all my pineapple juice, not had any caffeine or alcohol what so ever. I've managed to drink 2 ensures over the weekend. My acupuncturist really feels that I will be fine. That since my lining did grow well enough last time, that it will again. Think fluffy thoughts, think fluffy thoughts :)  January really does work out so much better for everyone, so I think things happened just the way they were meant to :) I put a new quote up at my desk to read every day.

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!"

32 pills and 2 shots in one day?! Plus DD drama

So on new years eve, first day of meds, I ended up taking 32 pills and 2 shots! :) Currently I am on estrace, aspirin, prenatal vitamins, tea pills, vitamin e and L arginine. Plus SQ lupron and IM delestrogen(tues and fri) :) I've been drinking pineapple juice in attempt to cover that base as well, and I have given up caffeine in the forms of coffee and soda. I had acupuncture yesterday that was my best session so far. I can't get enough of it! Next appt is Tuesday the 7th with my ultrasound at 8 am Wednesday the 8th. I don't think I've hit 32 pills again, as I have replaced one dose of tea pills with the L arginine. I've already had a couple days of pretty serious cm and a pretty good bloat going on. Oh and I think I have managed to gain 2 lbs! :) My ensure will be here tomorrow, so I will get extra protein and what not :) Less than 3 weeks to go!!! 

So....DD#1 is having a hard time lately. She got the official ADHD diagnosis. Things have been difficult at school and a little at home as well. I am not very organized but thats ok for me. On the other hand not being very organized is really hard on her. She recently made the decision to only go to her dad's house once a month. He is not taking very kindly to that. He just threw the word court at me, which I think would be a good idea but an expensive idea. I feel it is more important for her to be successful at school and establish relationships with adults that will treat her with respect than to continually have to deal with the feelings of neglect the inconsistency causes her. She doesn't feel as secure at her dad's house and he can not put her needs above his own. He doesn't even see what he is doing. He has moved 10-11 times in the last 10 years and out of 26 weekends over the last year he has rescheduled 15. She pretty much stays in her room, according to her, while she is there, and does not like the routine her dad has established. She has tantrums when she comes home, takes hours to settle back into our house. Her dad drags her to weddings, parties, church, his in laws, etc when she is there and she does not like that. She feels like her dad doesn't know her at all and does not trust her or respect her. So after talking with her several times, and her begging me for years, I finally told her dad that she would not be coming every other weekend anymore. Only once a month. Well he doesn't want to do that. He said that is not enough time to have consistency with her. He denies being selfish and feels he has earned the right to see her at least every other weekend. "even a court would agree" he said. He said he does everything I have ever asked. Which has been 5 reschedules out of 26, but probably only 5 out of 46. OH! and he wants to spank her. I'm tempted to take complete custody of her, and not let him see her until a court makes me, but I am not up for that much of a battle. He only agreed to letting this one weekend slide and that he would talk to her when he sees her on the 17th. So I am going to have to figure something out. We see the psychologist on the 14th. Hopefully she can help us. 

Green Light to Start Estrogen

I actually am looking forward to this for more than one reason. Last cycle I felt totally amazing, happy and calm on my estrogen. I am hoping for a repeat. It will be a nice change after the bcp crazies :) The results from my appt yesterday are as follows: uterus thin and ovaries suppressed, estradioal is a bit high at 129 but still got the green light to go. So far I have taken 2 estrace (2 mg each), one 400 iu Vitamin E, 81 mg Aspirin. Still on my plate today are 2 more estrace, one more vitamin E, 16 teapills, prenatal and one e2v IM injection. Only 23 days to go! :) 

We are going out tonight for New Years. Normally I would love this, but I am just not feeling it today. I would so much rather snuggle my babies and go to bed early. I am still waiting on my start of meds fee from my agency. I've been on meds for 2 weeks now and it makes me grumpy that they wait until they are mailing my monthly allowance. Its completely unreasonable for me to feel this way, but I do. Lets blame the bcp :) I feel like I had something else to add here, but I have totally forgotten it. I hate that feeling. As soon as I post this, I will remember :/

I have acupuncture on Thursday, I am sooooo looking forward to that! I have been thinking about getting up early for some yoga but Brooke is such a light sleeper in the morning. Maybe I can just wake her up with me, give her a bottle and let her watch me. Something to get my blood flowing. I am still trying to gain weight. I know this is a problem that only I have. I had gained one pound one day but am back to starting weight. It is so frustrating. When I was pregnant with Brooke I gained weight like crazy and I couldn't stop it, nor did I try to since I was pregnant. However, now that I want just 3 more pounds, it seems impossible. I've added McDonalds and extra food to my daily norm. Oh, I wanted to try Ensure. Let me go order some... Wow well I was away a really long time, not that you noticed :) Shopping online is the best! I got myself some weight gain Ensure and some yummy baby food for Brooke. It will be here Friday. Gah, I'm so impressed with the shipping speeds here. I ordered gifts for my niece and nephew the day after Christmas and they arrived the following Monday. Incredible. I am alone in the office at work now. I think there are actually 3 other people here somewhere.... I guess I better do some actual work. Its a pretty light week :) 

Last BCP

I happily took my last bcp yesterday and promptly threw the rest of those little asshats away. The reality that I still have 2 months worth should I need them is being ignored. I hate those guys! :) They make me mean, angry, irritable and just an overall snarky person to be around. I got the correct chinese herb in the mail tuesday and started them that night. I will stop once AF arrives completely and pick them back up with I start the estrogen. 

I do not want to work today. There's like 10 people in the office so the motivation is just not there. I would rather be home cleaning up the christmas mess. 

Only 4 weeks until transfer! I am getting excited again. AF should arrive tomorrow or saturday. Base line blood and ultrasound on monday. Start estrace, delestrogen, herbs, vitamin E and L arginine tuesday! Acupuncture one week away on thursday. Followed by another ultrasound and blood work on wednesday the 8th. That is the big one. If my lining is only a 4 I might literally cry :( but it wont be. It cant be. Not with all that crap I am going to take. 13 days and we will know. I guess technically if it is only a 4, I still have another week to get it to at least a 7 pushing for an 8. Really want a 10 to make that dream come true! :) Then Dr D can not even theorize that my lining was any problems. :) 

I can not wait to grow an obnoxious belly again. And wear awful maternity clothes! :) I am completely sincere in that I love being pregnant and I am conscious of the fact that it makes me sick and uncomfortable. :) 

Cycle #2 (or cycle #4 overall) has begun

Last night I took my first Lupron injection of this cycle. It was super easy, as usual. I wanted to start my Nu Ke Ba Zhen Wan, however the silly company sent me Tian Ma Gou Teng Wan, which is really not the right herb. So I got the return set up for that order, and used a different company to order again, hopefully I get the right herb this time. Right now I am just on Lupron, prenatal vitamins and BCP. In 12 days I will start the estrace, delestrogen, acupuncture, Nu Ke Ba Zhen Wan, vitamine E and L Arginine. And then its officially ON! :) 

Great Wolf Lodge KC Kansas

We had a great (long) drive out to kansas city from our house south of denver. This is in the early part of our trip, just after sunrise. We managed to leave about 4:45 am! The girls and I slept until sunrise :)

We finally arrived about 3:15pm and went straight to the water park after checking in. All those pictures are on an old fashioned disposable camera! :) But here are some from the room and hotel lobby. The cool cabin and fireplace were in our room. I loved how kid and adult friendly they managed to be! 

The drive home took forever! And I think I am still getting over that part :) I am not a small spaces kind of person. I like to have room to roam. We have our holiday lunch here at work. Sorry to be so short :) 

Just can't wait to be pregnant

I tested out one needle with one syringe last night and it seems to work out ok. It doesn't twist on like the others, rather it just pushes together. I guess that will get the job done. Still not sure if I should use the bigger needle to draw up the delestrogen, or just use the smaller needle to draw up and to inject. I'm just so excited to be pregnant. Honestly I feel different about this cycle. Maybe because I have completed a whole cycle start to BETA under my belt now and there is no uncertainty with the process. Or maybe its just whatever is meant to be will be :) 

we leave in 12 hours to drive to kansas city for Zoe's birthday surprise. Should have some pictures to share next week :) 

Got (another) big box of MEDS!

So I got another big box of meds last night. Although I really wish they would have spoke with me before ordering all this. I have a little over one bottle of progesterone suppositories that I will not use as they inexplicably switched me to Crinone. I have 2 boxes of Crinone. I have 7 (seven!!) bottles of PIO. 270 estrace pills. 3 bottles of delestrogen. A whole bunch of baby aspirin and prenatals. and of course the proper amounts of prednisone and doxy. Its insane :) I also have the vitamin E bottle  of my own addition. Oh and 3 months of bcp. Next week I will have my bottle of the chinese herbs(Women's Precious Teapills) the acupuncturist recommended. I will start those as soon as they arrive to try to get more of that into my system in prep for this cycle. On monday I started 1 Vitex a day ( I took this the cycle I got pregnant with Brooke) but will stop vitex when the teapills arrive. Have also been thinking about adding L Arginine, but then I would probably take L Lysine as well because arginine is a known cold sore aggravater and lysine is a known cold sore treatment/preventor. AND I'm pretty sure the syringe they sent me for the delestrogen is not compatible with any of the needles they sent. so I will have to test that tonight AND the directions on the new estrace are different from what my timeline says, so I email the coordinator. Turns out the rx is correct, the timeline wrong. Awesome :) So I will be taking 8 mg estrace a day and the delestrogen twice a week. I really feel good about this cycle :) every now and then the nervous about my lining act up, but I try to keep them quiet. I am putting up a couple maternity shirts so that I have something positive to focus my thoughts on :) I am silly excited every day just thinking about all of it :) I really really can not wait and could not want anything more than to be pregnant for A and R!!! :) 

A Big Rant...

Sorry that this may be a more negative toned post, these BCP makes me a person I don't like as much... But I am going to rant like a mad woman :)

thing #1

There is a girl at work that bugs the ever living crap outta me. She is young, just turned 23, so some of this may be due to her lack of experience. But most of it is because she is dumb as rocks. I try not to hate her, but she doesn't make that easy. I can barely understand her because she says the word "like" every 3 seconds and I like totally can't like stand that like type of like thing.  I don't want to spend much time on her, but I hope she gets a promotion so she leaves my dept.

thing #2

There is a woman, who NEEDS attention. She will start a thread and cry if no one responds to her. Could a person be more needy?! The internet is not dedicated to you. I could not be friends with her. Sometimes no one has a comment to something you say, its no big deal.

thing #3

My clinic is not as good as I thought. I guess they are better than NEFI, but they are far from smoothly operated. So my own impatience aside, they sent an RX to a different pharmacy. They ordered all my meds AGAIN from this pharmacy. Without considering that I still have 150 estrace, they ordered more. Without considering that I have 2.5 vials of PIO left, they ordered more. My thinking is that this could have been avoided if we used the same pharmacy. My IFs would not have had to pay for all this extra stuff if more communication was attempted. Now assuming I get pregnant at our next transfer I will use all these up, but if I don't then that was a big waste of money that the clinic did not care to think about.

thing #4

Dr D thinks the reason we are not pregnant is that my lining was only ok, not great. I told him about my days of positive pregnancy tests, but he did not seems to believe me. Asked if I took them right, asked about using the right urine?! Said it was too soon to know if the embryos had issues or if my uterus had issues. Really?! 4 of 8 embryos just stopped growing, 50% of them stopped growing and you can't think they might have an issue. 2 made it to freeze at 5 days and the 2 that we transferred to me tried to implant but didn't make it all the way. And there is no reason to suspect they might not be of the best quality?! Sharron said "R has one nice 5 day embryo left and A has one embryo left." Don't think I missed how she only said that R's frozen embryo is nice and that A just has one frozen. Dr D never even looked at my lining before transfer, so whose to say it was not great?! Granted the transfer was guided by abdominal ultrasound, so he could tell a little. He said we had better success than NEFI did at getting my lining thick enough to transfer, but since it didn't result in a pregnancy, we must need it thicker. Yes I am being angry and unreasonable, and we have a nice plan in place to try again. But a big :P to you!

AND THE GOOD NEWS:

my next timeline:

12/18/2013 - start Lupron and prenatal
12/25/2013 - last bcp
12/30/2013 - ultrasound and blood work
12/31/2013 - start two 2 mg estrace and .2 cc delestrogen(every tues and fri) and baby aspirin
(1/2/2014 - acupuncture, start chinese herbs and vit E)
(1/7/2014 - acupuncture)
1/8/2014 - ultrasound and blood work
(1/14/2014 - acupuncture)
1/15/2014 - ultrasound and blood work
1/17/2014 - last Lupron if my lining is thick enough
1/18/2014 - first PIO
1/19/2014 - crinone, prednisone (5 days) and doxy (5 days)
1/24/2014 - transfer of 2 frozen 5 day blasts (praying that both survive the thaw)

I still have to schedule the acupuncture, and buy the chinese herbs, once I find that paper she wrote them down on. My agency wants me to find flights, so off to travelocity. :)

I LOVE my IFs

My IFs are the best ever :) Let me tell you what happened today that makes me know this even more... So these bcp make me a little angry and unreasonable, pretty much all the time. The clinic has been less than communicative with me, which I let go for all of last week due to thanksgiving. But when I get a call from yet another different pharmacy (3 now) wanting to ship meds, that I don't even know what they are, I get a little frustrated. So I sent a snotty email to the clinic. And I emailed my IFs to let them know I am being a pain in the rear to the clinic. Then R tells me to just be a b*tch about it. :) Yay! made me feel so much better that they support me even when I am being hormonal and demanding :) At least the email back from the clinic was polite and even cheery. When I started this post a few hours ago, I had a lot more feeling involved. Now I am a little exhausted after Zoe's hour long ADHD results appointment and all..... So I actually have to get some work done. I have my phone call with Dr D tomorrow so I'm sure I will have an update then.

I will not cut my hair

I will not cut my hair until I deliver a surrogate baby. So here are pictures :) 

Before I cut my hair in July 2013

After haircut in July 2013

Me and Josh, my hair at transfer 11/2013

My hair now shoulder length and a little pink 3/7/2014

4/7/2014 past my collar bone; with Zoe

5/10/2014 straightened; if only I did not cut my hair in July 2013