Box of Meds

Well my box of medicines showed up today. It feels weird to call them medicines. Box o'drugs maybe? Box of hormones? I don't know, whatever :) So I go on thursday for my first ultrasound and bloodwork. The appts are 11/3. 11/10. 11/17 and 11/22. Then transfer is either 11/25 or 11/26. I know last time I said 11/25 was the date but its either that friday or saturday. I plan to start testing 11/30 :) I got half of the hpts that I bought off ebay in the mail today too. I hope af shows up on time tomorrow. I am suppose to call the clinic with my day 1. Josh is set to come home 11/19. Sometimes I get the feeling that this clinic doesnt really know what they are doing, like they dont do this enough for the protocols to be common knowledge. I seem to get a different answer based on who I talk to. It seems that CT had a pretty major snow storm yesterday, so I could not get a hold of anyone today. 30 days and i can poas!!! I'm so looking forward to every step. I'm being really random tonight :) I keep forgetting what I was going to say, write. I took some pre hormone pre pregnancy pictures but I'm not sure I want to post them.  I'm just exhausted. Time for bed.

Trabsfer Date!!!

We have set the transfer date. 11/25. Our flights are booked. Leaving Thursday (thanksgiving) at 1 and returning Sunday 11/27 at 830 pm. We are boarding our dogs for the first time. I don't think Josh likes that idea, but we have no other options. My family will not watch them because they are huge puppies that get bouncy and into mischief. Plus its 4 days, not just two this time. So that's kind of a big to-do. I have to get each dog the boardatella vaccine. And I can not take them both at the same time. Its all the strength I have to keep Rocky under control at the Vet's office. I have learned the meaning of proper socialization. I had thought it meant making sure your dog wasn't easily scared or angered. It also means to make sure your dog is controllable in new, interesting situations. I failed with the latter. Rocky is so excited by new people and any other dogs, that I can pretty much not control him. I will definitely not be doing anything with him once pregnant. Dobie is well behaved but afraid. She loves other dogs but is wary of people. Even just going to Petsmart with her stresses her out a lot.

Anyway. I am to stay on bcp until 10/29. I was told they are mailing me my med instructions, and hopefully the meds too. I haven't heard much since I got the word on the confirmed date. I'm trying to think about when I can start to poas. I *HOPE* we will get a BFP and that the fist US will be before Xmas, that way I can tell my IPs if they will have one or two babies next summer. Getting the date has really motivated me to clean the house and unpack boxes. Since I don't want to have to do that pregnant either. The first trimester I plan to try to take things really easy. Try not to be stressed out, and eat healthy. Just really be a good place for a baby to develop. The second trimester I hope to be back closer to normal. Probably still need to make an effort to eat healthier than I do now. Plus if it is twins, I will need more calories. I'm already planning on buying a good fiber cereal :) Oh and I have my eye on a few maternity clothing items :)

Its really sinking in as real now. My dad and sister kinda are downers and do not support my being a GS. My mom doesn't either but at least she fakes an interest and helps me. I know Josh will support me in any way that I ask. And that will be the biggest help. Yesterday I had the exam for my life insurance policy. Everything went well. Just have to wait for the results of the blood work. I will start weekly blood draws and probably US too the first week of November.  I think that's it for right now. I want to go find the perfect transfer day outfit :) And I must have something green or yellow the entire time I'm in CT, in fact until BFP :)

Oooooh.

So I found out today why I got the feeling that I was making this date thing more urgent than it really is. Because the surrogate coordinator quit and I got an email just saying Hi I am so and so taking over because blah. I just assumed she was the replacement. Well in the email I got today this lady has added a signaure and apparently she is the CEO of the clinic. So yeah, I guess I am not her biggest concern. Whoops. In my defense I didn't know. However, I did finally pull out of her that the nurse has made contact with the donor and they are working on dates "end of nov or dec." I am going to assume that means end of nov or beginning of dec. I could be wrong, again. Could mean end of nov. or end of dec. Neither is a problem with me. Just seems like they should know a date, ta know. Like hey where are you in your cycle? Ok that means we can start abc on xyz date. But I suppose I could be mistaken there as well. I am on cd6 of my cycle. I wonder where the donor is. She must be in the middle of her cycle. Expecting af in 2-ish weeks and then to start meds and to ovulate about a month-ish from now. ??? maybe? I really don't know, but logically that makes sense. Maybe she is only cd 3-4? That could make sense too. for a transfer at the very end of november. Over thinking, I know, guess I should stop, and start obsessing over possible due dates and pregnancy milestones :) Thats a lot more fun anyway :)  So here is a cute picture of my dog. I should find out why all my pics are sideways and why I can not change it.

Hey! More Waiting :)

So last thursday I did email the clinic and they said they were waiting to hear back from the donor. Today is Tuesday. 5 days later. I still have not heard back from the clinic. I would think the donor has been in contact by now. I emailed the clinic, who by the way has a new surrogate coordinator, and she is out of the office today, but has emailed the nurse who was contacting the donor and will keep me posted. It seems I have to learn patience over again with each new step. December will be one year since I started this whole process. That seems like such a long time, but it went by so fast.  If the 12/23 date is what the clinic and donor want, schedule based on her cycle, that is fine, but I just want to know. It's 9 weeks away and that seems like such a long time. Even though it's over Christmas, that date actually works for me.  I would start meds on 11/25 Black Friday. But really I am still hoping for something sooner. I just want to get this show on the road. I check my email about every 10 minutes hoping to hear from the clinic. I wish I could just call them and talk to someone who knows something. Plus with Josh gone, I just want something to do. Something to focus on. He's been gone almost 2 weeks now. Zoe is spending this week with my mom, we call it Camp Nana. I miss her so much and its only been 2 days. It is nice to have time to just myself, being able to do whatever I want, eat what I want for dinner, watch my shows on TV. I really need to get more unpacking done. I just realized last night that I will not be able to move the dresser that's in my bedroom because the bed is in the way. I can not move the gigantic waterbed frame with a regular cal. king mattress in it. So I have one box left for my closet. Then I really need to make some sort of progress downstairs. I also need to clean Zoe's room and do a few loads of laundry.  Its been 45 mins since the clinic last emailed me. I guess the email to the nurse was not an urgent matter. Its probably only urgent to me, and I'm probably being a pain. But whatever :)

Egg Donor

I heard last night that my IPs have picked an egg donor!!!!!!! I was so excited I could barely sleep. I'm just can not wait to carry for them. I hope to hear this week from the clinic about what the next steps are. I have to wait until 10/22 to get my blood drawn for the life insurance plan. I know they have to get the contract with the donor completed. And if that donor needs more tests. So far I have not emailed the clinic but I just might. Since they told me yesterday that it might take a few more weeks still. My dream was right by the way :) Perhaps I am a high strung person? Well we already got me to admit that I am a control freak, so maybe this need to know now thing is part of that. I just need to know. I feel in a constant state of suspense until I know these things. Its not with everything. Maybe it wouldnt hurt to email the clinic, I do need to tell them about my schedule for december and needing to be home 12/16. I just don't know what the next step is. Do we just cycle? It seems surreal! :)

Another dream

So the night before last, monday night, I had another surrogacy dream. I dreamed I was getting my lining checked, which I know is out of order based on the rest of the dream, but this was how it went in dreamland. So I was at a doctor's office getting my lining checked. The nurses then began to talk about how hard it has been for my IPs to choose an egg donor. The nurse kept saying they liked # 42 but kept second guessing themselves. The number 42 was repeated in my dream. So I was thinking about it yesterday and I counted how many days since the egg donor search began, 41. Today is day 42. I hope that is good luck. I did get an email from IM saying they hope to pick the donor today :) So i'm keeping my fingers crossed. I filled my last refill of bcp today, so I hope this marks the last month I need to take them. I emailed the clinic to tell them, but havent heard back yet, haven't heard from IM today yet either. But its only noon their time. Still early.  The more I think about it, I would be ok with a January transfer date too, then I can really go to the reunion without being too big.  There are still questions even if they did pick a donor. Like what testing she needs to have done, if any. I need my life insurance, which is proving difficult. They also want me to have the back up and maybe cycle insurance through a specific surrogacy insurance company. Which being in the health insurance field for a living, really bothers me, it seems like they are preying on poor IPs. The insurance they offer really doesnt cover much, which you'd think would be the point of it. I think it basically steals money and pays nothing.  Anyway, I hope today is the day. IM said she would let me know when they know, :) I'm so excited. I can't wait to have a baby belly. and wear maternity clothes. Just something about being pregnant is so amazing, and makes me so happy. Come on egg donor!! :)

Worst Day Ever

Seriously. I haven't been this overwhelmingly frustrated in, I don't know how long. Not only am I pmsing hard but since Josh left I swear the dogs know and are misbehaving more than usual. Rocky got out the back gate yesterday, Not sure how. I found him two streets up, but he followed me home. Well today Zoe's friends opened the gate, why?! Who knows, but Rocky gets out again. Pretty much tackles a child to get their football. I chase him down the next street over barefoot until some people were luckily outside.  I had had Zoe run home to get his collar and leash.  He just would not come back to me, nothing gets under my skin more than a dog who chooses not to listen.  This is all combined with work being extremely stressful lately. I blame the full moon that will be on Tuesday for creating all this nonsense. It pretty much without fail ruins my life :)

However my fortune cookie fortune today said "Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly" Seems like good news to me :) This is the week that we will pick an egg donor. I just know it ;)

Josh's work is stupid

Yep, juvenile I know, but it is. I want to stomp my foot. His work went and got all messed up, laid a bunch of people off, fired some, others quit. Its been a horrible week or two. Josh saw it coming, but I was hoping he was over reacting. Argh. Now they are sending him to Texas for as long as they feel like. He is suppose to work locally. He already went to Kansas City for three weeks and then to Joplin for 4 weeks. Now he could be in Texas for a month. And they want him to drive there, again. Last year he was in Tennesse for a few weeks, I thought that was tough. His truck needs tires, and an oil change and to find out what is wrong with the steering. Not to mention it has almost 200k miles on it already. And we can not afford the $1000 tires right now. I am so aggravated. He told them he really couldn't go, but since they went and fired everybody he has to go. He also needs his tooth pulled. A tooth that was suppose to be pulled yesterday, but he had to reschedule that appointment due to work not letting him go. Now the tooth is getting infected. We have all these things that need taken care of in the next few weeks, but his work just doesn't care. Go to Texas. I wish he could just tell them to F off. I wish it was easy to find another job as good as this one used to be. People with power and responsibility, people who have others depending on their decisions, should have stronger morals and empathy.

I told Josh I will need him home when I am pregnant. I will need him to take care of me :) I need to focus on myself and growing a baby. I need him to take over certain things, and I need to stay as stress free as possible. It is important to me. He agrees. I just hope his work doesn't force him to choose between me and work.

I emailed IM to let her know about Texas as that may complicate flights for transfer. They are no closer to picking a donor. I get the weird feeling they have cold feet? I know how that sounds, but I just feel it. I wish I could help them. I wish the perfect egg donor would fall from the sky :) and it would be clear to them, that this is the right choice. But sometimes it is not that clear. C'est la vie. You just have to leap with faith. Oh that reminds me of a couple quotes I have come to like during this process:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." Maria Robinson

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We cannot do great things on earth, only small things with great love." Mother Teresa

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." Winston Churchill

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." Ralph Waldo Emerson

False Alarm

Well my eternal optimism was wrong :) They do not have an egg donor. I did get a nice email from my IM early this morning and they hope to pick one this week but nothing is final. An odd peace came over me this weekend, maybe after 10 months I HAVE learned patience after all. The contracts are signed, they are picking a donor. We will move forward in the next two months. It will happen when it happens. :) There is nothing I can do to make anything go faster, I can not control really any part of it. So I am, uncharacteristically, content to just wait. I am a bit of a control freak, its true. I had an awesome time out with my best girl friends on friday night, and I think that helped me relax. A decade ago, I never would have understood if someone told me that I would need to spend time out with my girls talking about life and men and things only women can understand. But it eases a part of me that even the happiness I find at home can not.

At this point the 12/2/11 potential transfer date sounds good :) At least then I could be able to travel to the family reunion. Whatever is meant to be, will be. We will wait for the perfect donor to make perfect embryos and the right baby(ies) for S and S :) At least knowing the clinic only does transfers on Fridays means I only have 6 or 7 potential transfer dates before the end of the year. 

Plus I have more time to keep slowly unpacking my house. I made real progress this weekend, at least I feel like I did. Check out the dog door Josh made and installed this weekend. I love it :)

Seriously, I don't know why it imports every picture sideways. Its not saved that way on my computer.  Anyway, thats it for today.