Box of Meds

Well my box of medicines showed up today. It feels weird to call them medicines. Box o'drugs maybe? Box of hormones? I don't know, whatever :) So I go on thursday for my first ultrasound and bloodwork. The appts are 11/3. 11/10. 11/17 and 11/22. Then transfer is either 11/25 or 11/26. I know last time I said 11/25 was the date but its either that friday or saturday. I plan to start testing 11/30 :) I got half of the hpts that I bought off ebay in the mail today too. I hope af shows up on time tomorrow. I am suppose to call the clinic with my day 1. Josh is set to come home 11/19. Sometimes I get the feeling that this clinic doesnt really know what they are doing, like they dont do this enough for the protocols to be common knowledge. I seem to get a different answer based on who I talk to. It seems that CT had a pretty major snow storm yesterday, so I could not get a hold of anyone today. 30 days and i can poas!!! I'm so looking forward to every step. I'm being really random tonight :) I keep forgetting what I was going to say, write. I took some pre hormone pre pregnancy pictures but I'm not sure I want to post them.  I'm just exhausted. Time for bed.

Trabsfer Date!!!

We have set the transfer date. 11/25. Our flights are booked. Leaving Thursday (thanksgiving) at 1 and returning Sunday 11/27 at 830 pm. We are boarding our dogs for the first time. I don't think Josh likes that idea, but we have no other options. My family will not watch them because they are huge puppies that get bouncy and into mischief. Plus its 4 days, not just two this time. So that's kind of a big to-do. I have to get each dog the boardatella vaccine. And I can not take them both at the same time. Its all the strength I have to keep Rocky under control at the Vet's office. I have learned the meaning of proper socialization. I had thought it meant making sure your dog wasn't easily scared or angered. It also means to make sure your dog is controllable in new, interesting situations. I failed with the latter. Rocky is so excited by new people and any other dogs, that I can pretty much not control him. I will definitely not be doing anything with him once pregnant. Dobie is well behaved but afraid. She loves other dogs but is wary of people. Even just going to Petsmart with her stresses her out a lot.

Anyway. I am to stay on bcp until 10/29. I was told they are mailing me my med instructions, and hopefully the meds too. I haven't heard much since I got the word on the confirmed date. I'm trying to think about when I can start to poas. I *HOPE* we will get a BFP and that the fist US will be before Xmas, that way I can tell my IPs if they will have one or two babies next summer. Getting the date has really motivated me to clean the house and unpack boxes. Since I don't want to have to do that pregnant either. The first trimester I plan to try to take things really easy. Try not to be stressed out, and eat healthy. Just really be a good place for a baby to develop. The second trimester I hope to be back closer to normal. Probably still need to make an effort to eat healthier than I do now. Plus if it is twins, I will need more calories. I'm already planning on buying a good fiber cereal :) Oh and I have my eye on a few maternity clothing items :)

Its really sinking in as real now. My dad and sister kinda are downers and do not support my being a GS. My mom doesn't either but at least she fakes an interest and helps me. I know Josh will support me in any way that I ask. And that will be the biggest help. Yesterday I had the exam for my life insurance policy. Everything went well. Just have to wait for the results of the blood work. I will start weekly blood draws and probably US too the first week of November.  I think that's it for right now. I want to go find the perfect transfer day outfit :) And I must have something green or yellow the entire time I'm in CT, in fact until BFP :)

Oooooh.

So I found out today why I got the feeling that I was making this date thing more urgent than it really is. Because the surrogate coordinator quit and I got an email just saying Hi I am so and so taking over because blah. I just assumed she was the replacement. Well in the email I got today this lady has added a signaure and apparently she is the CEO of the clinic. So yeah, I guess I am not her biggest concern. Whoops. In my defense I didn't know. However, I did finally pull out of her that the nurse has made contact with the donor and they are working on dates "end of nov or dec." I am going to assume that means end of nov or beginning of dec. I could be wrong, again. Could mean end of nov. or end of dec. Neither is a problem with me. Just seems like they should know a date, ta know. Like hey where are you in your cycle? Ok that means we can start abc on xyz date. But I suppose I could be mistaken there as well. I am on cd6 of my cycle. I wonder where the donor is. She must be in the middle of her cycle. Expecting af in 2-ish weeks and then to start meds and to ovulate about a month-ish from now. ??? maybe? I really don't know, but logically that makes sense. Maybe she is only cd 3-4? That could make sense too. for a transfer at the very end of november. Over thinking, I know, guess I should stop, and start obsessing over possible due dates and pregnancy milestones :) Thats a lot more fun anyway :)  So here is a cute picture of my dog. I should find out why all my pics are sideways and why I can not change it.

Hey! More Waiting :)

So last thursday I did email the clinic and they said they were waiting to hear back from the donor. Today is Tuesday. 5 days later. I still have not heard back from the clinic. I would think the donor has been in contact by now. I emailed the clinic, who by the way has a new surrogate coordinator, and she is out of the office today, but has emailed the nurse who was contacting the donor and will keep me posted. It seems I have to learn patience over again with each new step. December will be one year since I started this whole process. That seems like such a long time, but it went by so fast.  If the 12/23 date is what the clinic and donor want, schedule based on her cycle, that is fine, but I just want to know. It's 9 weeks away and that seems like such a long time. Even though it's over Christmas, that date actually works for me.  I would start meds on 11/25 Black Friday. But really I am still hoping for something sooner. I just want to get this show on the road. I check my email about every 10 minutes hoping to hear from the clinic. I wish I could just call them and talk to someone who knows something. Plus with Josh gone, I just want something to do. Something to focus on. He's been gone almost 2 weeks now. Zoe is spending this week with my mom, we call it Camp Nana. I miss her so much and its only been 2 days. It is nice to have time to just myself, being able to do whatever I want, eat what I want for dinner, watch my shows on TV. I really need to get more unpacking done. I just realized last night that I will not be able to move the dresser that's in my bedroom because the bed is in the way. I can not move the gigantic waterbed frame with a regular cal. king mattress in it. So I have one box left for my closet. Then I really need to make some sort of progress downstairs. I also need to clean Zoe's room and do a few loads of laundry.  Its been 45 mins since the clinic last emailed me. I guess the email to the nurse was not an urgent matter. Its probably only urgent to me, and I'm probably being a pain. But whatever :)

Egg Donor

I heard last night that my IPs have picked an egg donor!!!!!!! I was so excited I could barely sleep. I'm just can not wait to carry for them. I hope to hear this week from the clinic about what the next steps are. I have to wait until 10/22 to get my blood drawn for the life insurance plan. I know they have to get the contract with the donor completed. And if that donor needs more tests. So far I have not emailed the clinic but I just might. Since they told me yesterday that it might take a few more weeks still. My dream was right by the way :) Perhaps I am a high strung person? Well we already got me to admit that I am a control freak, so maybe this need to know now thing is part of that. I just need to know. I feel in a constant state of suspense until I know these things. Its not with everything. Maybe it wouldnt hurt to email the clinic, I do need to tell them about my schedule for december and needing to be home 12/16. I just don't know what the next step is. Do we just cycle? It seems surreal! :)

Another dream

So the night before last, monday night, I had another surrogacy dream. I dreamed I was getting my lining checked, which I know is out of order based on the rest of the dream, but this was how it went in dreamland. So I was at a doctor's office getting my lining checked. The nurses then began to talk about how hard it has been for my IPs to choose an egg donor. The nurse kept saying they liked # 42 but kept second guessing themselves. The number 42 was repeated in my dream. So I was thinking about it yesterday and I counted how many days since the egg donor search began, 41. Today is day 42. I hope that is good luck. I did get an email from IM saying they hope to pick the donor today :) So i'm keeping my fingers crossed. I filled my last refill of bcp today, so I hope this marks the last month I need to take them. I emailed the clinic to tell them, but havent heard back yet, haven't heard from IM today yet either. But its only noon their time. Still early.  The more I think about it, I would be ok with a January transfer date too, then I can really go to the reunion without being too big.  There are still questions even if they did pick a donor. Like what testing she needs to have done, if any. I need my life insurance, which is proving difficult. They also want me to have the back up and maybe cycle insurance through a specific surrogacy insurance company. Which being in the health insurance field for a living, really bothers me, it seems like they are preying on poor IPs. The insurance they offer really doesnt cover much, which you'd think would be the point of it. I think it basically steals money and pays nothing.  Anyway, I hope today is the day. IM said she would let me know when they know, :) I'm so excited. I can't wait to have a baby belly. and wear maternity clothes. Just something about being pregnant is so amazing, and makes me so happy. Come on egg donor!! :)

Worst Day Ever

Seriously. I haven't been this overwhelmingly frustrated in, I don't know how long. Not only am I pmsing hard but since Josh left I swear the dogs know and are misbehaving more than usual. Rocky got out the back gate yesterday, Not sure how. I found him two streets up, but he followed me home. Well today Zoe's friends opened the gate, why?! Who knows, but Rocky gets out again. Pretty much tackles a child to get their football. I chase him down the next street over barefoot until some people were luckily outside.  I had had Zoe run home to get his collar and leash.  He just would not come back to me, nothing gets under my skin more than a dog who chooses not to listen.  This is all combined with work being extremely stressful lately. I blame the full moon that will be on Tuesday for creating all this nonsense. It pretty much without fail ruins my life :)

However my fortune cookie fortune today said "Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly" Seems like good news to me :) This is the week that we will pick an egg donor. I just know it ;)

Josh's work is stupid

Yep, juvenile I know, but it is. I want to stomp my foot. His work went and got all messed up, laid a bunch of people off, fired some, others quit. Its been a horrible week or two. Josh saw it coming, but I was hoping he was over reacting. Argh. Now they are sending him to Texas for as long as they feel like. He is suppose to work locally. He already went to Kansas City for three weeks and then to Joplin for 4 weeks. Now he could be in Texas for a month. And they want him to drive there, again. Last year he was in Tennesse for a few weeks, I thought that was tough. His truck needs tires, and an oil change and to find out what is wrong with the steering. Not to mention it has almost 200k miles on it already. And we can not afford the $1000 tires right now. I am so aggravated. He told them he really couldn't go, but since they went and fired everybody he has to go. He also needs his tooth pulled. A tooth that was suppose to be pulled yesterday, but he had to reschedule that appointment due to work not letting him go. Now the tooth is getting infected. We have all these things that need taken care of in the next few weeks, but his work just doesn't care. Go to Texas. I wish he could just tell them to F off. I wish it was easy to find another job as good as this one used to be. People with power and responsibility, people who have others depending on their decisions, should have stronger morals and empathy.

I told Josh I will need him home when I am pregnant. I will need him to take care of me :) I need to focus on myself and growing a baby. I need him to take over certain things, and I need to stay as stress free as possible. It is important to me. He agrees. I just hope his work doesn't force him to choose between me and work.

I emailed IM to let her know about Texas as that may complicate flights for transfer. They are no closer to picking a donor. I get the weird feeling they have cold feet? I know how that sounds, but I just feel it. I wish I could help them. I wish the perfect egg donor would fall from the sky :) and it would be clear to them, that this is the right choice. But sometimes it is not that clear. C'est la vie. You just have to leap with faith. Oh that reminds me of a couple quotes I have come to like during this process:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." Maria Robinson

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We cannot do great things on earth, only small things with great love." Mother Teresa

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." Winston Churchill

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." Ralph Waldo Emerson

False Alarm

Well my eternal optimism was wrong :) They do not have an egg donor. I did get a nice email from my IM early this morning and they hope to pick one this week but nothing is final. An odd peace came over me this weekend, maybe after 10 months I HAVE learned patience after all. The contracts are signed, they are picking a donor. We will move forward in the next two months. It will happen when it happens. :) There is nothing I can do to make anything go faster, I can not control really any part of it. So I am, uncharacteristically, content to just wait. I am a bit of a control freak, its true. I had an awesome time out with my best girl friends on friday night, and I think that helped me relax. A decade ago, I never would have understood if someone told me that I would need to spend time out with my girls talking about life and men and things only women can understand. But it eases a part of me that even the happiness I find at home can not.

At this point the 12/2/11 potential transfer date sounds good :) At least then I could be able to travel to the family reunion. Whatever is meant to be, will be. We will wait for the perfect donor to make perfect embryos and the right baby(ies) for S and S :) At least knowing the clinic only does transfers on Fridays means I only have 6 or 7 potential transfer dates before the end of the year. 

Plus I have more time to keep slowly unpacking my house. I made real progress this weekend, at least I feel like I did. Check out the dog door Josh made and installed this weekend. I love it :)

Seriously, I don't know why it imports every picture sideways. Its not saved that way on my computer.  Anyway, thats it for today.

We May Have an Egg Donor

I hope I hope I hope!!!! My IM said they are working on the donor contract. You wouldn't begin that without having an actual donor right?! I did email her to ask but I haven't heard back yet. That seems to have been the theme of the past few weeks. I am sure IM is very busy, and working hard on the egg donor. I am still, STILL, hoping for a 10/28 transfer. Overly, optimistic is just my thing :) It *could* happen. If I can start meds by 10/7 then a 10/28 transfer is still possible. But on the realistic side, we have to cycle with the egg donor. She may or may not have had all her preliminary testing done. I hope that since the contracts are already in the works, that she has completed them all. Ok so worst case scenario. The donor will need to get af. The donor may not be on bcp and we may have to wait for her next af. Worst case I think that puts us at 11/11/11 for transfer. Hey that would be a cool date!! I'm big on dates, symbolism, etc. :) I did email the clinic too, as I *need* to know everything right now, but my clinic contact did not know what to tell me. She did say she would look into it and let me know. A November transfer may work out better for me than October too. Maybe I will try to convince myself of the 11/11 date, and if it happens sooner, then I will just be really happy :) An 11/11 transfer would give us a due date of 7/30/2012 for a singleton or (37 weeks) 7/8/12 for twins. And there is a chance the morning sickness will not have set in yet for Thanksgiving :)  Oh man, I am so excited!  If we transfer 11/11 I will be 33 weeks 4 days pregnant on my bday :) I'll be turning 27. If its one baby, that won't be too bad, if its twins, I will probably be miserable at that point :) I'm even looking forward to being miserable. And my face gets really pregnant. I will post pictures from my pregnancy with DD. I was only 18 at the time. The first is at 35 weeks, the second is 5 days before she was born, I was 39 weeks......OK well its not letting me post the pictures, but I will once it cooperates. Well I guess this is a form of cooperation, sorry they are sideways.

No News...

So why am I writing? I don't know. I haven't heard from my IPs since 9/21. Nothing. I have been trying to think about other things, and for the most part it's working. Until I get on SMO and see all the other pregnant women, and then I just get impatient again. Maybe I should just take a break from stalking the boards until I hear about an egg donor. I have to find life insurance, which I really don't want. I also am still waiting for my HR dept to provide me the plan description of my new insurance policy. I guess I could fill out the life insurance app and get that over with. ......Waiting......

More waiting

Still more waiting. At first I was a little surprised to learn that we have not picked an egg donor yet, but then I sat and really thought about all that goes into the process and I think I understand now. There are many different types of donor situations as well, and I do not know what my IPs are looking for. I have hinted that I am curious, and I don't want to be rude and pry into their personal, private choices here, but I still don't know any more than they have not matched with one yet. I was really hoping to transfer in October, but if that doesn't happen its no big deal. If it takes long enough there is a chance I could go to the "family reunion" type wedding of my cousin next June. but that also puts me hugely pregnant in the hottest months of the year. Oh well, whatever is meant to be will be. The contracts have all been signed, so it is official, just no time line. I am so looking forward to having a baby belly that it is really hard to be patient. You would think after waiting 9 months to get to this point I would have learned patience, but no apparently not :) I hope they find an egg donor who is as intelligent as they are. I think my IFs looks will be dominant since he has dark hair and eyes. So even if they wanted a blond hair blue eyed donor, the baby(ies) would probably still look like IF. I think it may be harder being so close yet still so far. I guess I should find something else to occupy my time. Perhaps I should actually work at work ;)

Contracts!! and then a rant....

The contract changes we made have been accepted by my IPs. They are signing and mailing the contract to me. I'm so excited. That's one more step completed. And I'm really happy that they accepted the changes I had asked for. These people are just so amazing and are going to make terrific parents. I am so happy to be working with them.

I also hope I can give them twins. I never thought of twins as high risk but based on a lot of reading on SMO, it turns out they are, or should be. I am not supposed to want to carry twins. It really will take a toll on my body. But I just want to give them(IPs) everything that I can. Plus what a cool experience to carry twins. What a nice belly I will have to love on while I bake babies. It honestly excites me. I had a dream a few nights ago that I delivered boy girl twins each with a full head of hair. They were exceptionally smart babies and had leanred to roll over before even leaving the hospital.  Weird dream. I even had to have a c-section in my dream, which is something I am pretty afraid of, but it went fine in my dream :)

So yesterday at work, a nurse was asking me questions about the surrogacy. She is one of the people who know they can not be a surrogate. Fine, whatever, I don't spend my time trying to convince her to become one, but she seems to want me to see things from her side, which is that there is no way to carry a baby without getting attached as if it is your own. Nothing I say is making her feel more confident that I will be fine. We were talking about our previous pregnancies, her children, my child. And I said that when I was pregnant, my DD would push her feet out so hard that I could count her toes. So this lady says "See! That's attachment" So I guess counting the toes of babies would make any person want to kidnap them? Is that what she is saying? That if I were to be able to count the toes of the babies I will be pregnant with for my IPs, that would suddenly change my mind?! Do people think that I have not thought about what it is going to feel like to carry a baby, to feel that baby move, to help it grow, then to return said child to its parents? Do people think I woke up one day and decided that I would just pop out a baby and give it to a random person? What is wrong with people? I UNDERSTAND that I will feel this baby move just like I would feel my own baby. The difference is, this baby is not mine and never was. I don't know why people think I don't understand what I am doing. I met a wonderful couple who can not have a child any other way, than to put their babies into another woman's womb. That sucks in and of itself. But I will try to make it as easy and joyous for them as I can. And when that baby has gotten nice and big and chubby and cute, and is ready to be born, I will deliver this beautiful child to his/her/their waiting parents. I will (hopefully) see the joy and happiness they will feel FINALLY being able to hold their heart's desire. And that is what I get to take with me from the hospital. The fact that I changed someone's life, for the better. I made a difference in the world. People are happy because of me. What more could I ask for?  

Sorry this has turned into a rant.

Anyway, contracts are done. I hope my IPs pick a great egg donor and we can move on to cycle soon!!  I am so excited for this!  (I may not be as thrilled when the morning sickness kicks in, or when I am too huge to even eat, but in the end it is ALL worth it!)

When Moms Are Right

This is not surrogacy related. You know that old wives tale that getting caught in the rain = coming down with a cold? Well I had to walk to my car in a steady rain last night after work. It was probably 3-4 minutes of getting rained on by very cold windy rain. And by about 8 pm I knew I was getting a cold. A big coincidence but it made me think of my mom's words none the less.

I got my mom this wooden sign "If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you."