I Have No Words....

NEFI has recommended that S&S no longer use me as a surrogate. I did not respond to his protocol after 2 cycles and that is all he is willig to try. My agency called and said that she spoke with another RE who they often use who said he would definitely work with me and will accept the testing from NEFI, and that there are many other things to try when one protocol doesnt have the results they are looking for. I am majorly bummed. Bummed for me and Bummed for S&S. This match is over. My agency will match with me another couple. But its just so sad. I want so much to do this, to help someone. Its been a year and I am back to the beginning. I am not ready to give up on surrogacy, its just a lot harder than I thought it would be. Its hard not to get discouraged and wonder if it is meant to be at all. I am not ready to give up though. I leave it in God's hands.

Just Research

I just want to copy and paste some things I found on Google about a thin lining.

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A normal endometrium requires adequate blood flow ; and high estrogen levels. Thus , if the lining is thin there are 3 possibilities: the estrogen levels may be low; the blood flow is poor; or the endometrium is damaged. We need to systematically examine all these 3 possibilities , so that we can pinpoint what the problem is in the individual patient , and then try to correct it.

However if the lining remains thin in spite of high doses of estrogen, this means the problem is either one of poor blood supply ; or a damaged endometrium. Some doctors have used color Doppler ultrasound to measure uterine blood flow, but the results with this have been mixed. Others have tried using vaginal viagra to try to improve endometrial blood flow. Since there is no reliable method to assess uterine blood flow , the next step is to determine whether the endometrium has been damaged or not. There are two possible causes of end-organ damage when the endometrium is nonresponsive. One is that the endometrium has been anatomically distorted because of intrauterine adhesions ( a common cause for this in India is uterine tuberculosis. This condition is called Ashermann syndrome; and this can be diagnosed either with a hysterosalpingogram , which shows filling defects within the uterine cavity ; or with hysteroscopy , during which procedure the scars can be surgically removed. However in some patients , even though the uterine cavity is anatomically completely normal ; the uterine blood flow is normal; and the estrogen levels are high, the endometrium remains persistently and frustratingly thin. We then hypothesize that the endometrium has suffered end-organ damage as a result of which it does not respond to estrogens. This condition has never been adequately studied; and it does not even have a name ! Most doctors just call it - " Thin endometrium" . The Latin equivalent for this would be leptometrium ( lepto = thin) . Maybe we should coin a name to describe this condition , so that we can study it properly. Today, this can be an unsatisfying diagnosis to make, because we cannot prove this diagnosis ; and neither can we correct this problem.

During my clomid cycles and fresh cycle I had no lining issues. In prepping for my FET cycle(s) my lining never got thicker than 5-6 mm. We did oral estrogen, vaginal estrogen, patches, and IM, and nothing worked! At one point my serum estradiol was up to 2500 and still my lining was only 5-6 mm. I did baby aspirin, cut out caffeine, high dose vitamin E, nothing worked. I was convinced my body didn't like exogenous estrogen. So we did an ovulation induction cycle (have PCOS and wasn't ovulating) with follistim. My lining got to 7.4 mm on the day before I triggered, so it was probably even a little thicker at the actual time of ovulation. It worked, and now I am pregnant! Also, during the follistim cycle I stuck with the baby aspirin and vitamin E, but went back to drinking my cup of coffee a day

Basically we used follistim to do an ovulation induction cycle, mimicking a natural cycle. We did low dose and got one follicle, which my husband and I took advantage of. I triggered with hcg, and started progesterone supplementation even though I had a CL, and 5 days later we transferred 2 frozen blasts. We also did use Ganirelex to prevent me from ovulating, and let the follicle grow a bit and the lining thicken up before triggering. We did add a big of vaginal estrogen 3 days before triggering--not sure if that made a difference or not.

I had this same problem with a FET in October and ended up having it canceled. We tried again this past month and my dr had my use a low dose of Gonal-F. My lining was between 9-10 when we had our transfer last week. Just a thought you may want to ask about. Good luck!!

The "natural cycle" I did was basically done like an ER without the actual procedure. I did 2 shots of stims..don't remember what med it was. That was just done to increase my estrogen levels because I have long cycles and we didn't want to wait for ovulation to happen. I was monitored every other day until levels were where they needed to be then did a trigger shot. Then transferred 3 days later.

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So I think I have some ideas if NEFI ever gets back to me. I just emailed my contact there, the PA, who had been out of the office. I asked if there was a game plan. Now I have the above examples to ask them about. And also why they did not increase the estradiol more? Maybe my body needs a higher level of it for some odd reason? I would really like to have a natural cycle monitored and see what happens then. Or attempt a natural FET cycle. Maybe we could schedule the flights etc for 5 days after I have a surge indicating ovulation. I know there is hope and options out there. Hopefully S&S do not give up on me yet. I have not heard from them since thursday. Neither has the agency.

Another Cancelled Cycle :(

I feel like crap. Again my lining stalled at 4.4 ish. Again my blood levels were over 2000. My uterus will just not be manipulated.  I guess they can not increase the estrogen when my levels are so high. I have no idea what other options there are. I heard one surro took vaginal Viagra to help it thicken? I have never heard of that?  Googled and found:

Viagra is administered in the form of 20mg vaginal suppositories) inserted four times per day. Treatment is commenced soon after menstruation ceases and is continued until the day of the hCG trigger (when used with ovarian stimulation, the day of the LH surge (in natural cycles or, until the commencement of progesterone in ¡°embryo recipient cycles ¡°(ovum donation, FET¡¯s, gestational surrogacy and embryo adoption). While ideally the treatment should be sustained throughout the first half of the cycle, most women will respond within 48-72 hours, such that Viagra can be used to ¡°rescue¡± a poor lining provided that there is enough time remaining prior to ovulation, egg retrieval or progesterone administration. and also: We recently demonstrated that the vaginal administration of sildenafil (Viagra) for several days prior to the “hCG trigger “ or progesterone administration enhances uterine blood flow and estrogen delivery to the uterine lining, and so improves endometrial thickening. In October 2002, we reported on the administration of vaginal Viagra to 105 women with repeated IVF failure due to persistently thin endometrial linings. All of the women had experienced at least two (2) prior IVF failures attributed to intractably thin uterine linings. About 70% of these women responded to treatment with Viagra suppositories with a marked improvement in endometrial thickness.

So I will be suggesting this when I next talk to NEFI. S&S have not emailed me back nor has my agency. I feel like they are looking at me negatively :( I feel like they must be talking about whether or not to continue to use me as a surrogate or not. Man does this just suck.

My agency wrote me back. She definitely doesnt sound like she is looking at me any differently which is good. I told her about the viagra. Maybe it will be a magic pill for me too :)  or maybe there is something wrong with me and I will not get to continue this match. I really think a different protocol will work better for me. I just wish NEFI saw that too. :(

Tomorrow My Baby Turns 8!

I can not believe how fast time has gone! She is no longer a baby. 8 years old tomorrow. Might as well be a full blown tween. I think I have the most gorgeous child ever, though I may be biased. I am so proud of her. A better daughter does not exist.

I wish I would have really paid attention when people said the time goes fast. I wish I had a clear memory of every single minute of her life.  Stupid estrogen is making me cry at work, but if I had the chance to relive everything I would do it in a heartbeat.

Successfully met goal # 1

Well my uterus has met the first goal! My ultrasound this morning showed a lining of a 4. :) I have not heard back from NEFI yet about the results. I'm not sure if we will increase the estradiol again or not. I hope we do so that my lining is really good. The US tech was the really nice one this time. She was training a new lady so the US took like 25 mins. But I got to see a lot of my uterus and ovaries and hear her explain everything. She said I was lucky because I have a lot of follicles in my ovaries. That makes me feel good about my own fertility. We made the plane reservations, the rental car reservations and the reservations to board the dogs.  The next goal is 7.  I want to see at least a 7 on ultrasound next week.

Ok Uterus, you did great. I am so happy with the progress so far. We are on our way to transfer and hopefully the beach this summer, if you do really well :) You really are doing great, keep up the good work! Next week I want to see a 7. Can you muster that? I am giving you lots of estrogen to help, and once we get a fluffy lining we can add the progesterone. You grew about 2 over 6 days, so I would like to see a growth of 3 over the next 6-7 days. After that I will be happy with only another 2, for a total lining of 9 at transfer, just to prepare you. But you are doing well this month, I like what I'm seeing. Just have to hear back from NEFI

A Bad Dream?

I'm really hoping that my dream last night was just a manifestation of my nerves that my uterus will again not cooperate, and not foreshadowing anything. I dreamed that I was at NEFI and the PA told me that my lining again was not built up enough and she would have to suck out what was in there. And it really hurt. Then S&S came into the room and a couple tests were run and a nurse came in and said because I was exposed to something prior to age 11, I was no longer a candidate to be a carrier. I said, but that was in PA and not CO, does that make a difference, then we got to talking about an allergic reaction I had to something, and then I woke up almost terrified. I lay awake for awhile trying to calm down. I would be so upset to find out that I could not go through with this, or even worse, that I myself am infertile. The serenity prayer came to mind "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." So now I just try to relax. I have been told how important being stress free can be to a cycle. And I am just so worried now because of last cycle. :(

I guess its silly to get so upset over a dream, and my dreams have been pretty out there the last few nights, since restarting the estradiol. In fact I already feel pregnant, which is weird. My dreams, and the way my body feels, is different from last month and feels different than normal. I had a dream about an old friend, Wynn, the other night. Then a weird one about Josh. And last night my daughters father was with me at NEFI in my dream, and when we got the bad news about my lining he said he had to leave and was gone. This dream followed the random, weird, chaotic, suit of the dreams from the previous  nights. Its just because it hit a very real fear that its bothering me.

Onto, the facts.... I have my next US and lab work on 12/8 8:15 am. (And I hope to see my lining at least a 4, two weeks before transfer.) AF was lighter than it has been, so I know my lining does get thicker just based on that. (That should reassure me.) I am taking the estradiol as prescribed and we already know my body absorbs it very well. I am doing everything I can. The only other thing I could do, is try to relax the next 3 days until my appt with CCRM. Also, I better refill that estradiol. Off to call Walgreens and try as best I can to distract myself and stay busy.  To quote my surro coordinator "grow lining, GROW!"

Added in the late afternoon: My uterus is doing something. I am having a ton of cramping, mild, and a full feeling. If I lean forward in my chair, like I like to at work, It causes most of the cramping. I dunno... but it is doing something.

Cycle # 2 Begins!

Soooo.... I woke up at 715 to an email from NEFI, Dr Lavy's office, that they still had not heard from S&S. I had sweet talked the PA at NEFI to send my orders to CCRM late last evening and I made myself an appt for 815 mtn time this morning. So when I woke up to that email I knew I had to call S myself and try to reach her. I knew she would want to move forward with 12/22. I got her at work and she of course said "you don't even have to ask" :) So I went in for my baseline US and labs. I just heard back from NEFI and I am at baseline on both. I am starting estradiol again tonight. 2 mg vaginally twice a day. I go back 815 mtn time on 12/8. I want to see at least a lining of 4 by then :) S&S are worried that I might miss Xmas, but I think we could catch a flight back on 12/23 in the evening. And I found out that S&S have 10 totsicles :)

Ok uterus, look here.... We have a job to do, and I really need you to do your part. You've been able to skate by without really doing anything for almost 8 years. It is time now to live up to your potential. I need you to take in this estrogen and make a nice, thick, triple stripe bed for one or two little tiny embryos. Then I need you to keep them safe for 9 months. Can you do that? You can have a break after that. This is what you are specifically designed to do and I would really appreciate it, if you could just do it. S&S are counting on us and we can not let them down. OK? I will take us to the beach this summer if you cooperate. How does that sound? I need you right now. Ok, lets do this :)

Aunt Flow

Last night I had a dream, and in this dream I was injured and was bleeding all over, I was bleeding from my eyes. It was seriously weird. Well after my shower this morning I found out that Aunt Flow had arrived. I emailed Dr Lavy's office and they wrote back 3 hours later to say that if I can get in with CCRM tomorrow we could transfer 12/22!! YAY! So excited. So straight away I called CCRM but I had to leave a message. One hour later CCRM says they can not schedule me without orders from Dr Lavy. So I call them :) They will not send orders until S&S approve the transfer date. Well it is almost 7pm on the east coast and Dr Lavy's office still has not reached S&S. I am forcing myself to be indifferent about it. I'm doing everything I can on my end :) And that is all I can do. CCRM had afternoon appts so maybe by the time I get to work at 9 tomorrow morning, they will have orders :) My back is hurting so much the past 2 days. My mom said she always had back pain instead of cramps with af. So maybe I really am becoming my mother :) Not a bad thing :) fingers crossed for tomorrow :) :)

Cycle Canceled :(

Well my uterus did not listen. It did nothing. Was still a 4.3 this morning. The cycle is officially canceled this month. The clinic is giving me 5 days of provera to trigger af. Then I am to call the clinic on CD1 and go from there. Hopefully we can get a transfer 12/30. The eggs were retrieved today and will be fertilized and frozen. My E2 level was great at 2659 today, cd20 and my progesterone was really low where they want it. But for some reason my lining just was not  doing anything. Of course they want an optimal cycle, I want it too. I am so majorly bummed. But this first journey seems to be going this way, so c'est la vie. The clinic just emailed me to say it is too early to talk about potential transfer dates and that they will not be open for transfers that week. Looks like January or later. Boy am I bummed. I want this to work so bad. And for it to be because of me really sucks. We got everything going so quickly after the egg donor choice, and now its my body that is not cooperating. Why? :( I have more estradiol being delivered on wednesday. I wonder if I will even be taking it. The clinic said to go back to taking it orally 2x a day. But not sure for how long. If we are taking the month of december off, then I should probably not be taking it??? I dunno. Now that I feel like I have bugged the clinic too much for one day. I guess I will ask about the estradiol when I give them my day 1.  So So Bummed :(  I'm really trying not to get discouraged.

it's definitely MY uterus

My uterus is a lot like me :) it procrastinates and is on the thin side. Yesterday I was really hoping for amazing uterine progress. Not so much. I was a 4.3 with a great triple stripe. My hormone levels look great, its just not creating a fluffy uterus yet. The clinic simply said it is slow to grow and they hope to see it thicken up on US monday. I wasnt sure if they were wrong and meant tuesday since that is when I was scheduled, but I went ahead and moved the US to monday anyway :)  My uterus better do its job over the next three days, just like I am. Working really hard to get things on my desk cleared up etc etc and not go into transfer with things waiting at work or at home. I have noticed more cramping the past two days which I hope equates to lining progress. I really need a 6.3-6.5 at minimum monday! I was not even a little worried about this part before. I just assumed that my body would do exactly what it needs to do.  Maybe all these US make me worry for nothing. The blood work has come back great the whole time. Maybe by monday we will have an 8! :) I was hoping for an 8 yesterday but I knew that was expecting a lot.  I do have faith though that if I got to a 4.3 in 7 ish days that in another 8 ish days I could be an 8 for transfer. Just visualize a thick lining :) Nothing is going to stop the transfer now, I will stay positive and just believe :) I sound like a dork but whatever. I've got lots of pep talks from SMO and a mean mom glare to get my uterus into gear. I will spend all weekend imagining my lining doubling :)  I will be back monday!

Kitten update

I'm glad to see my pictures are back to sideways. The kitty is doing good. She is on 3-4 different medicines and I hope they are working. Her eyes look 100x better than when she came home. I can't even describe how red and swollen they were. It was almost the worst things Ive seen in my life. She is eating well and chillin in the downstairs bathroom most of the time. I figure that its good for her to sleep and eat and get better and not to be over stimulated. But tonight I may try to get some activity out of her.

I go tomorrow for another US and blood work. Come on uterus!! I had been feeling lots of twinges and achiness but haven't felt much the last couple days. Still taking the estrogen 3x a day. I have not missed a dose. I *hope* I have a nice lining this week. I will be devastated if this cycle is canceled. I painted my fingernails yellow last night and my toes green. Fertility colors.  Fingers, toes, everything crossed for lining build up!

A Saved Kitten and A Silent Uterus

First Josh found a poor starved kitten in a parking lot. The little thing's eyes were crusted shut. It was still there a few days later and I convinced him we needed to save the poor thing. It couldn't see the danger of all the trucks and people around. He picked it up and took it to his hotel. Fed the poor baby and gave it a bath. Now its on its way home with Josh. The plan is not to keep the little thing just to get it healthy and adopt it out to someone. IF we don't get too attached to the sweet thing. I have some pictures, but they are a little out of order:

But before all that happened, I had my ultrasound and blood work. My hormone levels in my blood were great, but my uterus hadn't changed. So the clinic decided I need 3 pills of estrogen a day. 6mg. Oh and they are no longer taken orally. We are trying a more direct to the uterus delivery method :) Fun times indeed! :) It dawned on me today just what I am putting my body through in this process. I am, of course, ok with it all. Its just weirder than I thought :) So I hope this new dose and method of estrogen gives me a super uterine lining and everything moves forward as planned. Lets go, Uterus, Lets Go!!!

Also these meds are making me lose weight?! Not a lot but I am officially down 1 pound. Just means I am going to be gaining more weight while pregnant. Only 12 days until we fly to CT!! :)

Surprise!

Josh is coming home early!!! YAY!! If I wasn't so exhausted from hormones and some sort of buggy cold and the full moon this week, I would jump for joy.

Only 15 days until transfer, how I still have 3 appts in that time, I dunno. I hope my ultrasound and blood work look beautiful tomorrow. Now that Josh will be home my stress level will be way down, that is super good for the baby growing abilities! :)  Josh and I are getting serious about getting married, I really hope to get engaged and start planning our wedding soon too :) 12/12/12!! I don't care if that is a wednesday. Most of my relatives have to fly in anyway, so make a weekend ski trip out of it!

I can not wait to be pregnant for S & S!! They will be such great parents. I got them a baby blanket/doggie. I think I will give them that when I see them for transfer. I was going to mail it to them with a positive pregnancy test, but now I'd rather not :)  Yay for dreams coming true. 
A picture of our halloween costumes: 

Hormones!!

I just took my first estradiol pill. Tomorrow I will take them twice a day. Transfer is T minus 3 weeks and counting :) Flights - Check. Rental car - Check. Hormones - Check. Josh comes home in 14 days. I better put some more effort into cleaning. I think it would be nice for him to come home and be surprised that there are no more boxes. I'm afraid that I am going to cry when he comes home thanks to the estrogen. And apparently taking the estradiol equals instant hot flash. Well maybe that coupled with my excitment :) things are happening so quickly now. The rental car and advancing some funds is pretty tricky. The hotel is the only thing left now. :) JUST SO EXCITED! :) I sent S&S a pretty sappy note saying how happy I am to be helping them and I hope they are just as excited. After 11 months of working towards this, it just doesnt seem real. I hope life isn't boring after all of this is over.

First Appt with the Monitoring Clinic -or- The Day of Wasted Tampons

This morning was the first appt at CCRM. What was suppose to be a 30 min appt, turned into a 70 min appt. I was an hour late to work and was not a happy camper. Despite my annoyance my blood pressure was still 106/82 which is nice to see. I am on CD 2 today and had my ultrasound first. I guess things looked fine, she looked at my uterus and measured both ovaries. She had a great poker face. Next was blood work, but as I was waiting, they took me and said I needed an IVF physical. Ummm....What?! I do not have time for this, why is this needed? I went ahead with it though, if they need it whatever, lets do it. So the MA said I would need to fill out questionnaires, get vitals, finger poke blood and a full pelvic/breast exam. So I'm yet again undressed and wearing paper. A doctor comes in, goes over the papers, gets some vitals, does the breast exam and lo and behold no pelvic is needed. Waste of a tampon. But I should not have another af for a year, so I shouldn't need tampons for a long time. Anyway, then I go for the blood draw. That went easy. The results will be sent to NE Fertility, and I should get a call with instructions. I'm pretty sure the physical was CCRM policy but they said NEF ordered it. Its already 330 in CT so I hope to hear in the next couple hours about the results. I hope everything is fine and I can start estradiol.  I think I will post one of the before pictures. Like a true woman, even though my body is great, I still don't necessarily love it completely. And for record keeping purposes I was 101.0 lbs on 11/1/11. What other stats change with pregnancy? Weight, blood pressure.... I guess those are the biggest ones. I'll update later if I get any interesting instructions.

Box of Meds

Well my box of medicines showed up today. It feels weird to call them medicines. Box o'drugs maybe? Box of hormones? I don't know, whatever :) So I go on thursday for my first ultrasound and bloodwork. The appts are 11/3. 11/10. 11/17 and 11/22. Then transfer is either 11/25 or 11/26. I know last time I said 11/25 was the date but its either that friday or saturday. I plan to start testing 11/30 :) I got half of the hpts that I bought off ebay in the mail today too. I hope af shows up on time tomorrow. I am suppose to call the clinic with my day 1. Josh is set to come home 11/19. Sometimes I get the feeling that this clinic doesnt really know what they are doing, like they dont do this enough for the protocols to be common knowledge. I seem to get a different answer based on who I talk to. It seems that CT had a pretty major snow storm yesterday, so I could not get a hold of anyone today. 30 days and i can poas!!! I'm so looking forward to every step. I'm being really random tonight :) I keep forgetting what I was going to say, write. I took some pre hormone pre pregnancy pictures but I'm not sure I want to post them.  I'm just exhausted. Time for bed.

Trabsfer Date!!!

We have set the transfer date. 11/25. Our flights are booked. Leaving Thursday (thanksgiving) at 1 and returning Sunday 11/27 at 830 pm. We are boarding our dogs for the first time. I don't think Josh likes that idea, but we have no other options. My family will not watch them because they are huge puppies that get bouncy and into mischief. Plus its 4 days, not just two this time. So that's kind of a big to-do. I have to get each dog the boardatella vaccine. And I can not take them both at the same time. Its all the strength I have to keep Rocky under control at the Vet's office. I have learned the meaning of proper socialization. I had thought it meant making sure your dog wasn't easily scared or angered. It also means to make sure your dog is controllable in new, interesting situations. I failed with the latter. Rocky is so excited by new people and any other dogs, that I can pretty much not control him. I will definitely not be doing anything with him once pregnant. Dobie is well behaved but afraid. She loves other dogs but is wary of people. Even just going to Petsmart with her stresses her out a lot.

Anyway. I am to stay on bcp until 10/29. I was told they are mailing me my med instructions, and hopefully the meds too. I haven't heard much since I got the word on the confirmed date. I'm trying to think about when I can start to poas. I *HOPE* we will get a BFP and that the fist US will be before Xmas, that way I can tell my IPs if they will have one or two babies next summer. Getting the date has really motivated me to clean the house and unpack boxes. Since I don't want to have to do that pregnant either. The first trimester I plan to try to take things really easy. Try not to be stressed out, and eat healthy. Just really be a good place for a baby to develop. The second trimester I hope to be back closer to normal. Probably still need to make an effort to eat healthier than I do now. Plus if it is twins, I will need more calories. I'm already planning on buying a good fiber cereal :) Oh and I have my eye on a few maternity clothing items :)

Its really sinking in as real now. My dad and sister kinda are downers and do not support my being a GS. My mom doesn't either but at least she fakes an interest and helps me. I know Josh will support me in any way that I ask. And that will be the biggest help. Yesterday I had the exam for my life insurance policy. Everything went well. Just have to wait for the results of the blood work. I will start weekly blood draws and probably US too the first week of November.  I think that's it for right now. I want to go find the perfect transfer day outfit :) And I must have something green or yellow the entire time I'm in CT, in fact until BFP :)

Oooooh.

So I found out today why I got the feeling that I was making this date thing more urgent than it really is. Because the surrogate coordinator quit and I got an email just saying Hi I am so and so taking over because blah. I just assumed she was the replacement. Well in the email I got today this lady has added a signaure and apparently she is the CEO of the clinic. So yeah, I guess I am not her biggest concern. Whoops. In my defense I didn't know. However, I did finally pull out of her that the nurse has made contact with the donor and they are working on dates "end of nov or dec." I am going to assume that means end of nov or beginning of dec. I could be wrong, again. Could mean end of nov. or end of dec. Neither is a problem with me. Just seems like they should know a date, ta know. Like hey where are you in your cycle? Ok that means we can start abc on xyz date. But I suppose I could be mistaken there as well. I am on cd6 of my cycle. I wonder where the donor is. She must be in the middle of her cycle. Expecting af in 2-ish weeks and then to start meds and to ovulate about a month-ish from now. ??? maybe? I really don't know, but logically that makes sense. Maybe she is only cd 3-4? That could make sense too. for a transfer at the very end of november. Over thinking, I know, guess I should stop, and start obsessing over possible due dates and pregnancy milestones :) Thats a lot more fun anyway :)  So here is a cute picture of my dog. I should find out why all my pics are sideways and why I can not change it.

Hey! More Waiting :)

So last thursday I did email the clinic and they said they were waiting to hear back from the donor. Today is Tuesday. 5 days later. I still have not heard back from the clinic. I would think the donor has been in contact by now. I emailed the clinic, who by the way has a new surrogate coordinator, and she is out of the office today, but has emailed the nurse who was contacting the donor and will keep me posted. It seems I have to learn patience over again with each new step. December will be one year since I started this whole process. That seems like such a long time, but it went by so fast.  If the 12/23 date is what the clinic and donor want, schedule based on her cycle, that is fine, but I just want to know. It's 9 weeks away and that seems like such a long time. Even though it's over Christmas, that date actually works for me.  I would start meds on 11/25 Black Friday. But really I am still hoping for something sooner. I just want to get this show on the road. I check my email about every 10 minutes hoping to hear from the clinic. I wish I could just call them and talk to someone who knows something. Plus with Josh gone, I just want something to do. Something to focus on. He's been gone almost 2 weeks now. Zoe is spending this week with my mom, we call it Camp Nana. I miss her so much and its only been 2 days. It is nice to have time to just myself, being able to do whatever I want, eat what I want for dinner, watch my shows on TV. I really need to get more unpacking done. I just realized last night that I will not be able to move the dresser that's in my bedroom because the bed is in the way. I can not move the gigantic waterbed frame with a regular cal. king mattress in it. So I have one box left for my closet. Then I really need to make some sort of progress downstairs. I also need to clean Zoe's room and do a few loads of laundry.  Its been 45 mins since the clinic last emailed me. I guess the email to the nurse was not an urgent matter. Its probably only urgent to me, and I'm probably being a pain. But whatever :)

Egg Donor

I heard last night that my IPs have picked an egg donor!!!!!!! I was so excited I could barely sleep. I'm just can not wait to carry for them. I hope to hear this week from the clinic about what the next steps are. I have to wait until 10/22 to get my blood drawn for the life insurance plan. I know they have to get the contract with the donor completed. And if that donor needs more tests. So far I have not emailed the clinic but I just might. Since they told me yesterday that it might take a few more weeks still. My dream was right by the way :) Perhaps I am a high strung person? Well we already got me to admit that I am a control freak, so maybe this need to know now thing is part of that. I just need to know. I feel in a constant state of suspense until I know these things. Its not with everything. Maybe it wouldnt hurt to email the clinic, I do need to tell them about my schedule for december and needing to be home 12/16. I just don't know what the next step is. Do we just cycle? It seems surreal! :)

Another dream

So the night before last, monday night, I had another surrogacy dream. I dreamed I was getting my lining checked, which I know is out of order based on the rest of the dream, but this was how it went in dreamland. So I was at a doctor's office getting my lining checked. The nurses then began to talk about how hard it has been for my IPs to choose an egg donor. The nurse kept saying they liked # 42 but kept second guessing themselves. The number 42 was repeated in my dream. So I was thinking about it yesterday and I counted how many days since the egg donor search began, 41. Today is day 42. I hope that is good luck. I did get an email from IM saying they hope to pick the donor today :) So i'm keeping my fingers crossed. I filled my last refill of bcp today, so I hope this marks the last month I need to take them. I emailed the clinic to tell them, but havent heard back yet, haven't heard from IM today yet either. But its only noon their time. Still early.  The more I think about it, I would be ok with a January transfer date too, then I can really go to the reunion without being too big.  There are still questions even if they did pick a donor. Like what testing she needs to have done, if any. I need my life insurance, which is proving difficult. They also want me to have the back up and maybe cycle insurance through a specific surrogacy insurance company. Which being in the health insurance field for a living, really bothers me, it seems like they are preying on poor IPs. The insurance they offer really doesnt cover much, which you'd think would be the point of it. I think it basically steals money and pays nothing.  Anyway, I hope today is the day. IM said she would let me know when they know, :) I'm so excited. I can't wait to have a baby belly. and wear maternity clothes. Just something about being pregnant is so amazing, and makes me so happy. Come on egg donor!! :)

Worst Day Ever

Seriously. I haven't been this overwhelmingly frustrated in, I don't know how long. Not only am I pmsing hard but since Josh left I swear the dogs know and are misbehaving more than usual. Rocky got out the back gate yesterday, Not sure how. I found him two streets up, but he followed me home. Well today Zoe's friends opened the gate, why?! Who knows, but Rocky gets out again. Pretty much tackles a child to get their football. I chase him down the next street over barefoot until some people were luckily outside.  I had had Zoe run home to get his collar and leash.  He just would not come back to me, nothing gets under my skin more than a dog who chooses not to listen.  This is all combined with work being extremely stressful lately. I blame the full moon that will be on Tuesday for creating all this nonsense. It pretty much without fail ruins my life :)

However my fortune cookie fortune today said "Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly" Seems like good news to me :) This is the week that we will pick an egg donor. I just know it ;)

Josh's work is stupid

Yep, juvenile I know, but it is. I want to stomp my foot. His work went and got all messed up, laid a bunch of people off, fired some, others quit. Its been a horrible week or two. Josh saw it coming, but I was hoping he was over reacting. Argh. Now they are sending him to Texas for as long as they feel like. He is suppose to work locally. He already went to Kansas City for three weeks and then to Joplin for 4 weeks. Now he could be in Texas for a month. And they want him to drive there, again. Last year he was in Tennesse for a few weeks, I thought that was tough. His truck needs tires, and an oil change and to find out what is wrong with the steering. Not to mention it has almost 200k miles on it already. And we can not afford the $1000 tires right now. I am so aggravated. He told them he really couldn't go, but since they went and fired everybody he has to go. He also needs his tooth pulled. A tooth that was suppose to be pulled yesterday, but he had to reschedule that appointment due to work not letting him go. Now the tooth is getting infected. We have all these things that need taken care of in the next few weeks, but his work just doesn't care. Go to Texas. I wish he could just tell them to F off. I wish it was easy to find another job as good as this one used to be. People with power and responsibility, people who have others depending on their decisions, should have stronger morals and empathy.

I told Josh I will need him home when I am pregnant. I will need him to take care of me :) I need to focus on myself and growing a baby. I need him to take over certain things, and I need to stay as stress free as possible. It is important to me. He agrees. I just hope his work doesn't force him to choose between me and work.

I emailed IM to let her know about Texas as that may complicate flights for transfer. They are no closer to picking a donor. I get the weird feeling they have cold feet? I know how that sounds, but I just feel it. I wish I could help them. I wish the perfect egg donor would fall from the sky :) and it would be clear to them, that this is the right choice. But sometimes it is not that clear. C'est la vie. You just have to leap with faith. Oh that reminds me of a couple quotes I have come to like during this process:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." Maria Robinson

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We cannot do great things on earth, only small things with great love." Mother Teresa

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." Winston Churchill

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." Ralph Waldo Emerson

False Alarm

Well my eternal optimism was wrong :) They do not have an egg donor. I did get a nice email from my IM early this morning and they hope to pick one this week but nothing is final. An odd peace came over me this weekend, maybe after 10 months I HAVE learned patience after all. The contracts are signed, they are picking a donor. We will move forward in the next two months. It will happen when it happens. :) There is nothing I can do to make anything go faster, I can not control really any part of it. So I am, uncharacteristically, content to just wait. I am a bit of a control freak, its true. I had an awesome time out with my best girl friends on friday night, and I think that helped me relax. A decade ago, I never would have understood if someone told me that I would need to spend time out with my girls talking about life and men and things only women can understand. But it eases a part of me that even the happiness I find at home can not.

At this point the 12/2/11 potential transfer date sounds good :) At least then I could be able to travel to the family reunion. Whatever is meant to be, will be. We will wait for the perfect donor to make perfect embryos and the right baby(ies) for S and S :) At least knowing the clinic only does transfers on Fridays means I only have 6 or 7 potential transfer dates before the end of the year. 

Plus I have more time to keep slowly unpacking my house. I made real progress this weekend, at least I feel like I did. Check out the dog door Josh made and installed this weekend. I love it :)

Seriously, I don't know why it imports every picture sideways. Its not saved that way on my computer.  Anyway, thats it for today.

We May Have an Egg Donor

I hope I hope I hope!!!! My IM said they are working on the donor contract. You wouldn't begin that without having an actual donor right?! I did email her to ask but I haven't heard back yet. That seems to have been the theme of the past few weeks. I am sure IM is very busy, and working hard on the egg donor. I am still, STILL, hoping for a 10/28 transfer. Overly, optimistic is just my thing :) It *could* happen. If I can start meds by 10/7 then a 10/28 transfer is still possible. But on the realistic side, we have to cycle with the egg donor. She may or may not have had all her preliminary testing done. I hope that since the contracts are already in the works, that she has completed them all. Ok so worst case scenario. The donor will need to get af. The donor may not be on bcp and we may have to wait for her next af. Worst case I think that puts us at 11/11/11 for transfer. Hey that would be a cool date!! I'm big on dates, symbolism, etc. :) I did email the clinic too, as I *need* to know everything right now, but my clinic contact did not know what to tell me. She did say she would look into it and let me know. A November transfer may work out better for me than October too. Maybe I will try to convince myself of the 11/11 date, and if it happens sooner, then I will just be really happy :) An 11/11 transfer would give us a due date of 7/30/2012 for a singleton or (37 weeks) 7/8/12 for twins. And there is a chance the morning sickness will not have set in yet for Thanksgiving :)  Oh man, I am so excited!  If we transfer 11/11 I will be 33 weeks 4 days pregnant on my bday :) I'll be turning 27. If its one baby, that won't be too bad, if its twins, I will probably be miserable at that point :) I'm even looking forward to being miserable. And my face gets really pregnant. I will post pictures from my pregnancy with DD. I was only 18 at the time. The first is at 35 weeks, the second is 5 days before she was born, I was 39 weeks......OK well its not letting me post the pictures, but I will once it cooperates. Well I guess this is a form of cooperation, sorry they are sideways.

No News...

So why am I writing? I don't know. I haven't heard from my IPs since 9/21. Nothing. I have been trying to think about other things, and for the most part it's working. Until I get on SMO and see all the other pregnant women, and then I just get impatient again. Maybe I should just take a break from stalking the boards until I hear about an egg donor. I have to find life insurance, which I really don't want. I also am still waiting for my HR dept to provide me the plan description of my new insurance policy. I guess I could fill out the life insurance app and get that over with. ......Waiting......

More waiting

Still more waiting. At first I was a little surprised to learn that we have not picked an egg donor yet, but then I sat and really thought about all that goes into the process and I think I understand now. There are many different types of donor situations as well, and I do not know what my IPs are looking for. I have hinted that I am curious, and I don't want to be rude and pry into their personal, private choices here, but I still don't know any more than they have not matched with one yet. I was really hoping to transfer in October, but if that doesn't happen its no big deal. If it takes long enough there is a chance I could go to the "family reunion" type wedding of my cousin next June. but that also puts me hugely pregnant in the hottest months of the year. Oh well, whatever is meant to be will be. The contracts have all been signed, so it is official, just no time line. I am so looking forward to having a baby belly that it is really hard to be patient. You would think after waiting 9 months to get to this point I would have learned patience, but no apparently not :) I hope they find an egg donor who is as intelligent as they are. I think my IFs looks will be dominant since he has dark hair and eyes. So even if they wanted a blond hair blue eyed donor, the baby(ies) would probably still look like IF. I think it may be harder being so close yet still so far. I guess I should find something else to occupy my time. Perhaps I should actually work at work ;)

Contracts!! and then a rant....

The contract changes we made have been accepted by my IPs. They are signing and mailing the contract to me. I'm so excited. That's one more step completed. And I'm really happy that they accepted the changes I had asked for. These people are just so amazing and are going to make terrific parents. I am so happy to be working with them.

I also hope I can give them twins. I never thought of twins as high risk but based on a lot of reading on SMO, it turns out they are, or should be. I am not supposed to want to carry twins. It really will take a toll on my body. But I just want to give them(IPs) everything that I can. Plus what a cool experience to carry twins. What a nice belly I will have to love on while I bake babies. It honestly excites me. I had a dream a few nights ago that I delivered boy girl twins each with a full head of hair. They were exceptionally smart babies and had leanred to roll over before even leaving the hospital.  Weird dream. I even had to have a c-section in my dream, which is something I am pretty afraid of, but it went fine in my dream :)

So yesterday at work, a nurse was asking me questions about the surrogacy. She is one of the people who know they can not be a surrogate. Fine, whatever, I don't spend my time trying to convince her to become one, but she seems to want me to see things from her side, which is that there is no way to carry a baby without getting attached as if it is your own. Nothing I say is making her feel more confident that I will be fine. We were talking about our previous pregnancies, her children, my child. And I said that when I was pregnant, my DD would push her feet out so hard that I could count her toes. So this lady says "See! That's attachment" So I guess counting the toes of babies would make any person want to kidnap them? Is that what she is saying? That if I were to be able to count the toes of the babies I will be pregnant with for my IPs, that would suddenly change my mind?! Do people think that I have not thought about what it is going to feel like to carry a baby, to feel that baby move, to help it grow, then to return said child to its parents? Do people think I woke up one day and decided that I would just pop out a baby and give it to a random person? What is wrong with people? I UNDERSTAND that I will feel this baby move just like I would feel my own baby. The difference is, this baby is not mine and never was. I don't know why people think I don't understand what I am doing. I met a wonderful couple who can not have a child any other way, than to put their babies into another woman's womb. That sucks in and of itself. But I will try to make it as easy and joyous for them as I can. And when that baby has gotten nice and big and chubby and cute, and is ready to be born, I will deliver this beautiful child to his/her/their waiting parents. I will (hopefully) see the joy and happiness they will feel FINALLY being able to hold their heart's desire. And that is what I get to take with me from the hospital. The fact that I changed someone's life, for the better. I made a difference in the world. People are happy because of me. What more could I ask for?  

Sorry this has turned into a rant.

Anyway, contracts are done. I hope my IPs pick a great egg donor and we can move on to cycle soon!!  I am so excited for this!  (I may not be as thrilled when the morning sickness kicks in, or when I am too huge to even eat, but in the end it is ALL worth it!)

When Moms Are Right

This is not surrogacy related. You know that old wives tale that getting caught in the rain = coming down with a cold? Well I had to walk to my car in a steady rain last night after work. It was probably 3-4 minutes of getting rained on by very cold windy rain. And by about 8 pm I knew I was getting a cold. A big coincidence but it made me think of my mom's words none the less.

I got my mom this wooden sign "If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you."

My First Ever Blog Post

Ok, So I have no real idea what I am doing. I want to record my journey as a gestational surrogate, but I never thought I was witty enough to have a blog. Well after reading many other blogs, I decided one need not be witty to write a blog, no offense. I have always loved to write and chronicle my life, I have the old fashioned hand written logs of my life ( I refuse to call it a diary) that date back to about age 8. I guess now is a good time to venture into the blogsphere. Although, I am not very techie, so we'll see how I can adapt.

When I first officially pursued surrogacy I googled it over and over, and was really hoping more surrogate's blog would come up. Then I found SMO and that has been a life changer. So much good info from real women who have gone through all the what ifs of surrogacy.

For me, surrogacy has always been something I wanted to do. Probably since I was 16, I'm 26 now. I had my first and so far only child when I was 18, and the pride associated with parenthood is truly something everyone should get to experience. I first applied to agencies about 3 years ago and was broken hearted when I was denied. I had no real support system back then, and I have now come to realize just how crucial that part of the journey is. So in December 2010 I started applying to agencies again. I was approved and was speaking with potential IPs (intended parents) with one agency by Jan 2011. However, that all fell through due to things out of my control, and it became apparent that the agency and I were not a good fit. I began to "interview" other agencies, I knew what I was looking for, someone to hold my hand and walk me through this the first time. I eventually found two perfect agencies, after talking with probably 10. I decided to work with one agency based in Connecticut and was matched through them in July 2011. I now have great, hilarious, brilliant, fantastic IPs and a truly amazing agency!

My boyfriend (of 5 years, even if the first 2.5 were rocky, whom I own our house with) and I flew to CT for our marathon testing day on 9/1/11. It was so crazy busy, 2 days felt like 1. I worked 1/2 a day then we flew to Atlanta to connect to fly to CT, arrived about 1130 pm, ate dinner at midnight, slept, woke at 7 am eastern time which is 5 am mountain time (the time we were on) to get ready, met IPs, met agency rep who is also IPs attorney, had psych eval, ultrasounds and bloodwork, then back to the airport, flight was late, almost missed connecting flight in Chicago, back to Denver.  It really was a great trip and I have nothing but amazing things to say about my IPs.

Today we are just waiting for the contracts to be finalized and for an egg donor to be chosen. I am keeping my fingers crossed for an October 28th transfer. I picked that day weeks ago out of the blue, and I stil hope that is the big day.

Anyway, I have found that you either "get" surrogacy or you don't. Women either can do it or can not. There really is no middle in most of this. Women at work tell me they just couldn't give up a baby they had carried in their body. And I just keep telling them "but it's not mine" You know that this baby(ies) does not belong to you. Hence the title of the blog. Its like babysitting. At the end, the baby goes to it's parents, and you go home to your normal life and sleep schedule. From all the people I have talked with, there is very little thinking about the initial reaction. It literally is "I could never do that" or "Hmmm, I could do that too" I have several friends who are tossing around the idea when the time is right in their lives.

So this was long, but its all caught up I think.